Podcasts You Should Check Out if You Want to Be Cool

If you enjoy emotions like happiness and glee, then you're totally going to dig these podcasts.


Comedy and Everything Else- Comedy greats Jimmy Dore, Stefane Zamorano and Todd Glass deliver the goods in this hilarious and thought provoking podcast. I'm partial to episode 14 featuring the always brilliant Paul F. Tomkins (if you don't yet have his cd Impersonal, go buy it immediately, then come back because I have more podcasts to tell you about).

The Sound of Young America- Great comedians, hip new bands, authors and s bunch of other stuff you're gonna love brought to you by "America's Radio Sweetheart," Jesse Thorn.

Here are some upcoming guests. (told you so.)
Actress and comic Janeane Garofalo
Comic Tig Notaro
Comic Greg Behrendt
The Human Giant
Author and designer Chip Kidd
Comic artist Adrian Tomine
Rhett Miller of The Old 97s
Musician PWRFL Power
And many more...

Real Time With Bill Maher- Don't have HBO? Don't worry you can listen to the show instead.

Here are some more excellent free podcasts I bet you'll like-
This American Life
KCRW's Top Tune- free songs!
Slate Magazine's Daily Podcast

Want to Know About Some Cool Movies?

I thought so.

Here's a great interview from salon.com with director Mike Leigh (Secrets & Lies, Vera Drake) about his new film Happy Go Lucky (10/10). Here's the trailer.

In the same article Stephanie Zacharek gives David Koepp's "Ghost Town," kudos, referring to it as "breezy and smart." I will see any movie that's referred to as breezy. Here's the trailer.

I ran across another great piece from Zacharek on the sad state of romantic comedies. The article is from '99, but guess what? It's nearly a decade later and romantic comedies still suck.

Here's a few other movies you'll probably want to see.

John Patrick Shanley's Doubt. (It was a play first, but you probably know this because you are smart.)

Jonathon Demme's Rachel Getting Married on October 3rd.

Here's an article about upcoming indie flick Gigantic. Zooey Deschanel is in it. Need I say more?

I Miss Underoos

I miss Underoos. I think I might start wearing them again. I loved Underoos when I was a kid. I had Archie Comics Underoos and I am almost positive I had Supergirl Underoos too. Otherwise I was just running around in regular underwear with a towel tied around my neck screaming “I’m Supergirl!" And jumping on the furniture. Which is just as likely. How does Grover become SuperGrover? It only takes a dishtowel people.

I miss that magical feeling of being a Superhero. Who needs facials, manicures or painful bikini waxes? Underoos are the answer. C’mon, what oxygen breathing male isn’t going to be (1.) totally turned on and (2.) delighted by the surprise and whimsical nostalgia you're bright red and blue polyester underwear induces.

It could be a litmus test of sorts. If a guy is peeling off my jeans and goes- “Uh, what are THOSE?” I’ll know he’s too young for me and I'll exit his Silver Lake bungalow immediately with Underoo’s firmly in place. I suppose if a guy’s pulling off my jeans, I should probably be at the point of at least knowing his age. Look, I’m learning as I go. There’s no book on this people.

Just kidding, there a tons of fucking books on this! But who has time to read. I have Underoos shopping to do.

If You Think California Sucks, You Suck

Welcome to Thursday's Playlist Spectacular Fantastic. This is a new feature on the Kris Kimmel Show and certain to be a big hit with my core audience. Am I right core?

As you can see by the catchy headline of this post, this playlist is thematic in nature, so throw on your flip-flops, put the top down* and head to the beach for some California grooves.

*Convertible and computer not included.

You Might Be Too Old To Watch Gossip Girl If...

10. When Lisa Loeb sang "Stay," on tonights episode it reminded you of the Ethan Hawke obsession you had in college.
9. You have an unusual fixation with Serena and Blair's smooth and dewy skin.
8. All you keep thinking is "These kids are too gosh darn young too be f*cking so much!"
7. You really wish they would be a little more respectful of their parents
6. You can't remember guys ever being that cool in High School.
5. You are 100% certain though, that you were definitely that smokin' hot.
4. Oh, that's right you just remembered. People did f*ck that much in high school!
3. You wish they would delve more into the Lily-Rufus storyline...what is up with those PARENT'S lives already?
2. The only person you have the hots for on the show is THE DAD.

Drumroll please...

1. You are in bed soon after Gossip Girl ends writing a blog about being too old to watch Gossip Girl.

If you are not tuned in to the indulgent pleasure that is Gossip Girl, well I guess this list won't make much sense, but this clip from last weeks show might just convert you.

Free Coldplay Show

If you live in New York, you can see Coldplay for the low low price of free on June 23. If you don't live in New York, maybe you should stop listening to Coldplay. It's your choice.

There are a plethora of cool bands playing at the Hollywood Bowl this summer including Thievery Corporation, Fiest, Gnarls Barkley, Radiohead and Beck. That's right. BECK.

Back to Coldplay, for just a sec, you can go to their website RIGHT NOW and download their new single Violet Hill. I'm attempting to do this, but having some technical difficulties. I'm not sure why as I'm not even into Coldplay, but whatever, I like free stuff.

A Few More Words About Coachella and Then I'll Drop It

Check out this pic from Coachella. If you look closely, you'll notice only one dude actually had a good time. So if you didn't go, you don't have to feel bad.

For more cool pics and for full coverage of the event head to rollingstone.com. I'm pretty sure they were there and can give you a better idea of what went down than I can. I spent most of the weekend looking for an apartment in Silver Lake

Photo: Winter/Getty

I attempted to check into the event over the weekend, but I kept getting Rosanna Arquette interviewing skinny pale dudes that I didn't recognize. MGMT is probably already writing a song about her. That would make it three, which I think is some sort of record. Pattie Boyd is going to be so pissed.

So far this is my favorite clip from Coachella- Prince covering Radiohead. Feel free to send me any clips you especially dig.

This Post is for Comedy Nerds ONLY

For all you Mr. Show fans, I'm sure I don't have to tell you that the dynamic comedy duo have reunited for David's Situation. I am planning to get my act together so by the time the show airs I will have HBO. Step one in my plan is to get a television.

I absolutely know what I'm doing.

Read the recent Vanity Fair interview with Bob and David. Or David and Bob depending on how you see the world.

While enjoying the above mentioned interview, I noticed another article I thought I'd pass along. This one's about the current worrisome situation of our fish population. I didn't laugh once, but still a pretty good read.

The Kind of Girl You Wanna Bring Home to Mom!

I'm heading out to see Baby Mama in a few minutes, but not before I leave you with this great missed connection from Craigslist.

The Bands are So Great at Coachella I Almost Wish I Was Going

Coachella is this weekend. If you're going...awesome! If you've been to the festival before, you must know you are a person who thrives on huge crowds of people on ecstasy and assorted other drugs, enjoy the fiery hot burning rays of the desert sun and delight in warm beer in plastic cups.

If this is your first time in Indio, I hope you LOVE the smell of patchouli!

For the rest of us, not heading to the event we can enjoy live streams through the weekend here.

Tomorrows highlights in the AT & T Blue Room include Rogue Wave, Tegan & Sara and the Raconteurs.
Saturday check out The Bird and the Bee, Hot Chip, DeVotchka and Portishead
Sunday I'll definitely be tuning in for the Stars set.

I have to admit, part of me (the clearly insane part that has blocked out how miserable I was the last time I was there) wishes I was going. The line-up is AMAZING.

Monster Induced Insomnia

I finally saw Cloverfield last night. I screamed out loud twice and was wide awake until about 3 am, so mission accomplished.

It was so fun being scared, I didn't mind how cheesy the character names were. "Miranda Diamond," as the funny, sarcastic not quite as hot but still pretty smokin' girl. Ha ha! Did the screenwriter pull his character names from softcore porn? I couldn't help thinking the whole time I was watching it that I was in my old West Hollywood acting class. But it was fun in a cheesy, this is a pretty badly written movie sorta way.

Was it just me or were the alternate endings totally lame? Maybe I missed something. If I did, please email me immediately so that I can watch them again before I mail back the dvd.

Speaking of DVD's here are some other new releases you may want to check out.

The Savages- Phillip Seymour Hoffman AND Laura Linney. C'mon, it's a mathmatical impossiblity that you can go wrong with that combo. I gotta go put that in my queue, I'll be right back. In the meantime watch this.

Charlie Wilson's War- Um, I wanted to like it. Mike Nichols. Maybe you'll like it. I'm not saying DON'T see it. I'm just saying.....oh sorry, I think I dozed off for a second.

One Missed Call- Too scary for me.


None of them are coming to my house today because I have the entire first season of The Wire coming. People say I should watch it. And I listen to people when they tell me what to do.

This Post is Earth Friendly!

In Honor of Earth Day, I did NOT cut down any Rain Forests. I did unplug all of my appliances not currently being used. Please do the same.

For a list of other cool and easy things you can do Al Gore's site is great. Also, I found this other super cool site called Earth911 that lists places to take your electronics, paint and other kooky items you should NOT be throwing in the trash. For my lovely Angeleno's, UCLA has a great e waste program. Check it out.

Now that THAT'S out of the way, let us all relax and enjoy this killer "green," performance of Radiohead on Conan last night. The band was sorta live in that via satellite way. Thom and the band elected to forgo the flight to NYC as the carbon footprint would have been the same as driving a car for one year in London.

One more reason to love them. As if we needed it.

My Absolute Favorite Movie EVER About a Sex Doll is Now on DVD!

If you like endearing indie films and you LOVE anatomically correct sex dolls, then I've got a pic for you! Lars and the Real Girl, one of my favorite films of 2007 was released on DVD today.

Another sweet indie favorite, except for the people that hated it, Juno also hits today. I thought it was adorable. Stop being a jerk about it already.

Cloverfield doesn't come out until the 22nd. Sorry monster freaks.

Motley Crue in Hollywood Today! Well, They Were Probably Here Yesterday Too, But Now They Have a Big Announcement!

Motley Crue has big news at 4 pm!

They already made headlines earlier by being the first band to release a single through crazy popular video game Rock Band. The song, Saints of Los Angeles is the first release from their upcoming album. If you read The Dirt you know the single is not self-referential.

I have a sneaking suspicion that the Hollywood news conference is going to be a tour announcement. I am totally going! To the concert, not the conference. I have an aversion to crowds of tattooed Hepatitis B carriers. That makes going to the concert tricky. I guess that's why God invented Xanax.

You can get the announcement via the Crue fanclub for $40. Or you can pay zero dollars and check back with me as I am your one stop Crue News Network! Today anyway. Maybe I should go to the conference. I have yet to realize my girlhood dream of meeting Nikki Sixx. Think about it- me and Nikki Sixx having Jamba Juice together? Paradise.

Please enjoy some classic Motley Crue circa 1984! Back in those days a tiny version of myself slept on Holly Hobby sheets while the Crue were busy shooting up heroin, raping groupies (totally an accident!) and crashing Ferrari's.

A Funny Thing Happened on SNL...

In case you missed SNL last night, here is all you need to know.

Music to Itemize Your Deductions To

If you're anything like me, (super awesome) you've waited until the last minute to do taxes. If you are also like me, you are huddled over your laptop doing them yourself.

Because I think you are very cuddly and adorable, I am here to help!

Here are some bands to rock you through your tax woes.

Start off with Brooklyn funksters MGMT, these are the best guys to get you through the early stage monotony of W2 entry, especially if you're an artist-type person and worked 57 different jobs in 2007.

When your moving into the more complicated area of 1099's & deductions, I suggest the mellow grooves of Meredith Bragg & the Terminals.

You totally did your taxes! Celebrate with my new favorite indie happy fun time band Vampire Weekend.

I'm Just About Ready to Have That Conversation About Daniel Day Lewis

There Will Be Blood is now out on DVD! For the two of you who haven't seen this movie (yes I am one of them) feel free to add it to your Netflix queue. Now you can finally add to all those annoying pseudo-intellectual conversations about Daniel Day Lewis' "method," and Paul Thomas Anderson's "visionary genius," you had to listen to months ago.

Dear Radiohead, Could You Please Stop Going on Tour When I'm Broke?

Radiohead announced it's first tour in three years, and ironically...I am broke this time too. It's like they plan their world tours just to spite me. Very funny guys, you got me AGAIN!

For the rest of you out there, tickets for the August 24th and 25th Hollywood Bowl shows go on sale THIS SATURDAY April 12th.

More Girl News!

Today I am listening to She and Him- Volume 1, the anxiously awaited collaboration between Zooey Deschanel and M.Ward. I've been lucky enough to catch this dreamy indie collaboration twice, once last year at the El Rey and earlier this year at the Disney Concert Hall. Both times I was blown away, not just by Ms. Deschanel's enviable fashion style and what are undeniably the coolest bangs ever sported, but I am in love with her voice. Watch this clip and you will see why.



Listen to She and Him

Rolling stone digs She & Him almost as much as I do.

Did I Say She's Big F*cking Whore? Oh Wait, I Meant She's a Monster. Am I Still Suspended?

Air America radio personality Randi Rhodes was suspended from the station for calling Hillary Clinton a "Big F*cking Whore," at a recent Air America Radio sponsored event in San Francisco. She also called Geraldine Ferraro a whore, but mostly everybody's mad about the Clinton comment.

But my question is this: Is the following clip inappropriate and worthy of suspension? Or the best Ann Coulter imitation to ever be captured on film?

The Day After

Because I had that traumatic hospital incident yesterday, (thank you for you cards and letters!) I have decided to take it easy breezy today.

Here are some cool songs I have been listening to as I loaf.

Check out Sunny Day Sets Fire the Rescue Demo.

Detektivbyran Nattoppet is also great fun. According to their Myspace page Detectivbyran will be appearing at Emmabodafestivalen on August 2nd. Get your tickets now!

I also really dig this one- Tunng's Bullets.

Cat Power was on Letterman last night, I have it here for you



Last night I caught a bit of the magical Paul F. Tompkins on Comedy Central and I am delighted to report he has a show this Saturday at Largo. You are obviously insane or in some type of kidnap ransom situation if you don't attend. I hope you are none of those, but if so it is my wish that my blog is bringing you comfort.

Remember Deep Thoughts with Jack Handey? Well he's a real person! My friend sent me a hilarious Jack Handey essay in the New Yorker. Here's another one I also think is super funny.

Wanna read the new Madonna interview in Vanity Fair?

Or would you rather delve into something with a little more punch?

Imagine a dystopian world in which the company that produced super toxins Agent Orange, Dioxin and PCB's was now controlling our food supply? Wake up Babydoll because your living it it! Look, I can't always give you updates about Katie Holmes haircut. Vanity Fair's Green Issue is out and I highly suggest you read Monsanto's Harvest of Fear before reaching for your next glass of milk.

As if I needed another reason to buy organic.

Because I like to leave you on a high note, here is a dog on a slide.

That Was a Pretty Good One, Vitamin B Complex

Sadly I was not able to pull any clever April Fools Day joke blogs yesterday, as I was busy being tricked myself. In perhaps the greatest April Fool's joke ever pulled, Trader Joe's Vitamin B Complex caused me to have a terrifying (and what I believed to be near death) reaction, sending me to the ER unit of a local Clinic.

Don't worry, I AM currently alive and was able to keep all of my limbs.

Soon after taking a Vitamin B Complex, a new addition to my daily vitamin cocktail (oh my fabulous life!), I noticed a hot burning sensation on my ears. I ignored it, as I am prone to be a hypochondriac freak. But the burning got much worse and quickly traveled down my neck and my arms. I suddenly felt as if I was on the surface of the sun and tore (cover your child's eyes) off my shirt. Imagine my horror when I discovered that I was turning a bright shade of red. I was certain my skin was going to catch fire at any moment.

Because I assume every physical thing that befalls me is a predecessor to impending death, I raced to a local clinic.

If you've ever been to a clinic or hospital, you already know that unless you carrying a few of your detached limbs, you are going to wait 2-16 hours before a doctor comes in contact with you. That may even be true if you are carrying some detached limbs, but I haven't experienced that malady. Yet. So, by the time the doc examined me, my burning skin was gone and I looked like myself again. As I explained the experience to him, in my serious voice, he got a big smile on his face.

Turns out my painful "near death," allergic reaction was actually something very common called a Niacin Flush. A common reaction to the vitamin Niacin.

Seriously though, I think it's pretty obvious that I totally almost died.

New Movie Friday

Hey kids! It's Friday. Do you know what that means? A host of new movies are hitting your local cineplex. Don't let the fact that most of these movies are borderline unwatchable stop you from going. What else are you gonna do? Stay in and watch Netflix? C'mon, you need to leave your apartment. Seriously, I'm starting to worry about you.

Here's a few movies that are opening today and my recommendations/predictions (based on what I know off the top of my head.)

Click on the titles to watch the trailer!

Stop-Loss- Hot guys who fight in Iraq. One of the hot guys gets called back for another tour of duty and refuses to go. Tender moments ensue. Directed by Kimberly Peirce, the director of Boys Don't Cry. Reviews are mixed on this one. I predict this movie will be a huge hit. This one is a Netflix for me.

21- This true story of super smart and awesome looking MIT students who learn how to count cards, then go to Vegas and win a bunch of money. I'm pretty sure the star of the movie will be having sex with Kate Bosworth at some point. In the trailer they roll in money on the bed, so expect a lot of other innovative scenes like that one. Reviews here.

Run Fat Boy Run- Simon Pegg, the likable Brit who brought you Shaun of the Dead, (he was Shaun) is back with another comedy. That is, if you thought Shaun of the Dead was a comedy. I didn't laugh once while I was watching it. Maybe I need to see it again since a lot of my friend's LOVE that movie. Perhaps they were all high when they watched it? In Run Fat Boy Run, he's the fat boy and he decides to compete in a marathon in an attempt to win back his ex- played by Thandie Newton. I think I'll wait and see what my friend's (that aren't high when they see it) say.

Priceless- It's French and stars Amelie's Audrey Tatau. I'm sold.

Hungry Like the...um...Lemur?

Duran Duran is on Tour! No you haven't come across and old blog post from 1984. Blogs didn't exist in 1984, (how did we ever get through our day?), but 12 year old girls did and they were gaga for the androgynous hitmakers. Now those tweens are in their 30's and buying up tickets like wildfire. These women pay good money for their sitters and expect to hear the hits.

And the boys are more than happy to accomodate. Or, try to anyway.

According to Reuters, Duran Duran's tour got off to a rocky start in New Zealand as singer Simon Le Bon forget the lyrics to "Hungry Like the Wolf," arguably the band's signature song.

Later in the show John Taylor, in true pop star hissy fit form, abandoned his guitar and walked off stage during a segment using keyboards and an electronic drum set. Taylor explained later, "I could not dance to that. These people came here to dance."

John, it's great that you care so much about your fans, but they're just glad to be out of the house and dancing to anything besides The Wiggles.

Recession Smeshion

If you were irked before about how expensive it is to go the movies, get ready because that frown on your face is about to get frownier.

Variety reports that Village Roadshow Gold Class Cinemas are launching 50 super-luxe theaters nationwide. The cinemas will feature 40 seats per auditorium, call buttons for waiters on each seat, and a $35 price tag for tickets.

The fancy pants theaters are moving beyond popcorn and Raisinets--offering made to order meals like sushi.

Oh, so sushi is included in the ticket price. Right?

Sorry kids, food and cocktails are extra. But, you will have that really cool waiter button on your comfy seat. That's totally worth $35.

Looks Like I'm Going to Have to Get HBO

Or get a boyfriend with cable.

"SWF seeks Dude with Premium Channels."

I know you're thinking Kris, "Why such high standards all of the sudden?"

Well, it looks like Bob & David are coming back to tv (hooray!) and I refuse to hear about their new show via word of mouth.

The new show "David's Situation," will be directed by Odenkirk and Cross is set to star. The pilot revolves around Cross leaving Hollywood to move to a suburban, gated community where he lives with two roommates, a right-wing conservative and a liberal hippie.

Filming begins in May. I guess I better get going on this.

photo by Marina Chavez

Because This Single Dad Deserves to Let Loose!

Kevin Federline partied it up at club Pure in Vegas Friday night to celebrate turning 30.

After K-Fed and his pals got tired of throwing cake at each other, Kevin took to the stage and began instructing guests to "take s—ts in the bathroom of the club.”

Hey Kev, here's a little tip from me to you, if it's your 30th birthday party and you have to remind your friends where to defecate, it may be time for some new friends.

A witness told US Weekly, “The DJ tried to take the microphone back after about three minutes, but he just kept going. It didn’t make any sense what he was saying. He was just blabbing on.”

Well, boys will be boys! After all, he was drinking Jack Daniels and Patron all night.

I'd love to see how this story would be reported if this were Britney doing the same thing.

"Helpless Toddlers Deserted While Britney Parties in Vegas!"

Britney Spears celebrated her birthday in Vegas without her children in tow. The whereabouts of the her children have yet to be confirmed, but the single mother did not seem to miss her two young helpless toddlers as she partied into the late hours of the night.

According to a witness, Spears wore a very revealing dress and danced wildly as if "she didn't have two little helpless babies out there. Somewhere." Another witness described the young mother's behavior as "borderline criminal," and went on to add that Britney was clearly not yet rid of her "baby weight."

The single mother of two young helpless children drank Jack Daniels and Patron through the night. According to addiction specialist Dr. Drew Pinksy, "When a single mother of two young helpless toddlers leaves them to go out and drink all night, she is putting more than her own life at risk. She is also putting the lives of two young precious toddlers at risk."

As the alcohol flowed, the party became out of control as Spears and friends threw birthday cake at each other. Dr. Drew says, "This woman is completely unhinged and should have her tiny helpless toddlers taken away immediately." After Britney and her pals got tired of throwing cake at each other, Spears took to the stage and began instructing guests to "take s—ts in the bathroom of the club."

According to Dr. Drew, "This woman is suffering from postpartum depression, schizophrenia, bi-polar disorder and is very likely a serial killer. The children have been removed from the home and Britney has been arrested and placed under 24 hour surviellance."

photo courtesy Eric Boone/Splash News

New Music Monday

I came across another leaked track from Madonna's new album Hard Candy, set to release next Month.

Click here for a listen. I'm not that into it, but as a straight female I stopped being her target audience somewhere around "Ray of Light."

Here's some music news you can actually get excited about! The sophomore debut of The Racontuers drops tomorrow. I heard a track from "Consolers of the Lonely," on Indie 103.1 this morning and am jazzed to hear more.

Photo: Lucas Jackson

What's a Girl to Do?

This is my new favorite song (today). Please enjoy British indie import Bat For Lashes. I suspect you will love the song and the video.



Cool, no? Admittedly this video is a bit scary to the 8 year-old inside of me.

Maybe Christpher Hitchens is Right... I’m Not Funny Once in This Post!

Christopher Hitchens, resident expert on whatever he decides to open his toofy British mouth about, is now talking female comedians down a notch.

It's about time!

We were getting so tired of all the love and support we're used to getting from audiences, bookers and male comics.

Finally someone put us in our place.

Here is my favorite excerpt from Hitchens' knee slapping and adorable Vanity Fair article.

“In any case, my argument doesn't say that there are no decent women comedians. There are more terrible female comedians than there are terrible male comedians, but there are some impressive ladies out there. Most of them, though, when you come to review the situation, are hefty or dykey or Jewish, or some combo of the three."

Unlike all those gorgeous male comics out there, right?

I like the cover story better, and I think you will too- "Who Says Women Aren't Funny?" by Alessandra Stanley

Ladies, Do You Know What's Going Down on the Discovery Channel?

If you aren't watching Man vs. Wild, you are missing perhaps the only show that's ever been created for men, but thoroughly more enjoyable for women.

Bear Grylls treks through jungles, deserts, swamps and frozen tundra and he does it all with a super hot British accent. Plus he is constantly taking his clothes off!

Man vs. Wild is on Fridays at 9, and a bunch of other times- Click here for schedule.

For a sneak preview, check this out:



You're Welcome.

Superbad-Ass

In case you missed SNL last night, check out the latest digital short created by Andy Samberg and the gang. This week's featured Jonah Hill of Superbad fame.

Weekend Watch- Friday Night Baby!

No plans tonight? Head over Largo and check out talented whippersnapper Nellie McCay. The show is sold out for dinner, but you can grab a seat at the bar if you get there early. C'mon! All the cool kids will be there.

I wish I knew what Joy Behar was saying at the end, it looks like she's saying "What the f*ck was that?"

George Clooney’s Girlfriend Looks Great in a One-Piece But Can She Make Banana Bread?

Okay, I don’t think any of us here at kriskimmel.blogspot are surprised that Sarah Larson looks smashing in a bathing suit.

But George- how about a great girl who looks pretty okay in a one-piece and knows where Darfur is?

We know someone here on staff…

In other Clooney Watch ’08 news, George continues to be Best Man Ever, by donating some more money to Darfur.

Joe Francis is "Every Guy's Hero."

Girls Gone Wild creater and super creep Joe Francis is out of jail. He was released Wednesday after pleading no contest to one count of felony child abuse and two misdemeanor prostitution charges.

Although comparing his stint in jail to Abu Ghraib, Joe claims he was a "rock star," to the other inmates.

In an interview with E!, he went as far to say- "I'm every guys hero."

Huh, I bet there are a few fathers of 17 year old girls who would disagree.

Chris Rock Gets Enough New Material For 2 HBO Specials!

Finally this Pellicano scandal is getting interesting! The Huffington Post obtained the 31 minute taped conversation between Anthony Pellicano and comedian Chris Rock.

The conversation details a 2001 tryst between Rock and a woman named Monica Zsibrita, or as Chris likes to call her “Big Tits, White Pants.”

Uber creepy Pellicano often calls Rock "honey," "brother," "buddy" and "babe," but oddly Chris doesn't seem to mind.

Click here to listen to the entire tape.

Here are some highlights in case you are short on time.

8:15
CR: "I know the night we went to the Ivy she had on white pants. I only noticed cause my wife's real classy and subdued and I'm out with a girl with big tits and white pants. It's just, I know people were like, 'heeey'."

(Really Chris? Do you think anyone was shocked to see a comedian out with a chick with big tits and tight white pants? Puhhhlease, as joke telling girl whose dated her share of comedians…I’m ALWAYS either preceded or soon to be followed by a chick with big tits and tight white pants.

10:30
Pellicano excuses himself to "scream at my secretary."

(Yikes, thank god I never got sent there during my temping days.)

14:00
Pellicano (reading from report): "He tried to pull out and ejaculated on her thighs. She immediately got up and went to the bathroom where she cleaned up with a Kleenex. She put the Kleenex in her pocket."

(Beware men, we ALL do this.)

14:55
CR: I've been so set up...
AP: Did you come on her thighs?...
CR: I had a rubber on. I probably took it off right when I was getting ready to come. I probably came on her ass.

(Yuck.)

22:00
AP: Did you stick it in her? Without a rubber?
CR: No

(Yuck.)

29:05
AP: We're going to get her one way or the other... Does your old lady know what's going on?
CR: No. She thinks it's over, put it that way. She knows of it.

(I bet it's a love fest at the Rock house today.)

30:05
CR: Rape is just fucking, buzz, you know?... Once you're accused of rape, you're just FUCKED, you know?
AP: That's why i want to blacken this girl up, totally. I want to make her out to be a lying, scumbag, manipulative cocksucker... Stupid bitch
CR: I'm fucked. I'm better getting caught with needles in my arm. WAY better. Needles, with pictures, there's Chris Rock shooting heroin. Much better blow to the career.

(Wrong Chris- everybody LOVES a good rape accusation joke.)

The Opposite of Beatlemania

I am currently suffering from this affliction after watching last night’s 2 hour American Idol. I must confess, it was the first time I have EVER watched an entire episode of American Idol. I have been stubbornly refusing to join the rest of America in partaking in the juggernaut hit.

But last night I caved, in part because I knew they were going to be singing from the Lennon-McCartney songbook and I figured if I was going to not enjoy it, I might as well go ALL OUT.

And thankfully American Idol delivered!

There was a specific moment that is still leaving me a little unsettled and I’m not referring to the country version of “8 Day’s a Week," by this season's Carrie Underwood.

The moment that spooked me was when I said these words,

“I know I used to make fun of Ryan Seacrest’s highlights, but I actually think I liked his hair better frosted.”

One would think that would be my “scared straight,” moment, propelling me into an evening of watching CNN or reading The Economist, but I was so far gone at that point, I went straight to “Keeping Up With the Kardashians."

It gets worse, I watched 2 episodes in a row- and I wasn't even drunk.

I didn't stop there, like a junkie topping Persian Heroin with a little bump of high grade cocaine (shout out to Nikki Sixx!) I ended the night with an episode of Gene Simmon’s Family Jewels. I have a hard time paying attention to anything that’s actually happening on the show because I am so distracted by his freakish wig thingy. Also I am more than a little disturbed by how hot I think his son is. I guess it's a good thing I never became a high school English teacher. Also, is it just me, or does his son look a lot like Paul Stanley. Hmmmm….

George Clooney Still NOT Engaged

In an attempt to mention George Clooney in any way possible, US Weekly reported today that George Clooney continues to NOT be engaged to girlfriend of one-year, Sarah Larson.

Not that I blame US Weekly, I also bring up George Clooney, on average, once a day. I never do it intentionally, it just seems to come up in my everyday conversations.

"Hey Kris, do you wanna go grab a coffee?"

"A coffee sounds great! Speaking of great, George Clooney...is pretty great. Wouldn't you agree?
See, what I mean!

In a related story, George Clooney continues to also NOT be engaged to me.

The glass is half full...of Xanax

Looking for free meds? Well look no further!


A recent Associated press investigation found that a wide variety of prescription medications- including including antibiotics, anti-convulsants, mood stabilizers and sex hormones are available at the low low cost of FREE and in the new super easy to swallow "tap water," form.

That's right! Gone are the days of pesky pill swallowing, inconvenient childproof caps and standing in long lines at the pharmacy.

Can you pause your TIVO and walk over to your faucet? If you answered "yes," then you can regulate your cholesterol.

I couldn't be more delighted. Finally I will have access to a variety of medications that a certain stingy doctor won't prescribe because of their supposedly "addictive nature." Who know all it took was throwing out my Britta filter?

On the Dark Side

Instead of late night partying with Paris at Hyde or hanging with Ashton at Dolce, maybe you'd like to have some real fun.

Head to the New Beverly Cinema for New Beverly Midnights!

Click HERE for more information on upcoming shows!

March 8th at midnight is the 1984 classic "Street's of Fire."

Here is the awesome trailer, and yes that is Eddie from "Eddie and the Cruisers."

Airborne woes

Yet another school teacher is embroiled in scandal, but this one doesn't involve a fifteen year old boy, but a mega- popular cold remedy. Turns out Airborne is bunk.

Fear not, it's not bad for you, it's just, well...a bunch of vitamins. Don't have your receipts? Don't worry, you can still get a refund for up to 6 bottles.

One More Reason

It was announced today that Paris Hilton will be appearing in the return one-hour episode of My Name is Earl on April 3rd.





Congratulations My Name is Earl for continuing to find new creative ways for me to avoid watching My Name is Earl.

The United States of Wal Mart

Traveling across the country is a delight. Here are some moments I captured.

Somewhere in Southern Ohio...


I don’t know if this is my birthplace’s new state motto, but after spending a few days in sleet, snow and 14 degree temperatures, I found this to be an accurate statement.



In Carrolton, Ky at the exit 62 Conoco station…


Obviously I wanted to check out The Beer Cave, but the Deliverance banjo music playing in my head compelled me to fill up and move on. But as I continued west, I couldn’t stop thinking about The Beer Cave. I imagined cases of Bush beer stacked into an igloo-like formation in the back of the store next the “Git'R Done,” beer steins and buckets of nightcrawlers. Burly men wearing Carharts and Nascar caps would crawl happily inside the dark and mysterious cave to sit huddled together chugging the watery brew.

Or, maybe the sign was misspelled and it was actually supposed to read,

“COME CHECK OUT OUR BEAR CAVE”

A Bear Cave inside a gas station was even better, but death by bear is fairly high on my list of fears. I decided it would be a great story for the Carroll County News though.

“UNKNOWN COMEDIENNE MAULED IN GAS STATION BEAR CAVE- BY BEAR”

At approximately 2:45 pm a Los Angeles based unknown comedienne/ comedy writer/occasionally employed television writer was mauled by Foxworthy the Bear, at popular local Carollton attraction- The Conoco Gas Station Bear Cave.

According to witnesses, the mauling happened too fast for anyone to act.

Foxworthy, “flipped out,” according to witness Lenny Jenkins.

“He went crazy as soon as he seen her. Like he just didn’t like the looks of her. None of us did, truth be told, but I guess Foxworthy decided to act on it.”

Foxworthy, known for his gentleness and lovable nature, attacked Ms, Kimmel upon first sight.

“Soon as I heard her screamin’ I threw down my Mountain Dew and ran right in there, but it was too late. He ate her head right off."

According to animal expert Jack Hanna, bears are not known to eat human heads. “He must have really hated this lady.” said Hanna.

Foxworthy is currently being held in custody awaiting possible death. Local residents are outraged.

Foxworthy, named after funnyman Jeff Foxworthy, is beloved by the entire town of Carrollton and even has a small cult following in Louisville.

‘He didn’t know now better, if it’s anyone’s fault it’s that dead ladies fault for gettin’ him all riled up!” says local resident Debbie Sue Cox.

Donations can be made to the “Save Foxworthy,” campaign at the exit 62 Conoco station.

And in Nashville...



As you can see, Nashville is as beautiful as you’ve heard! Here is the view from my hotel room. I insist on the finest 2- star hotels this country has to offer.

Kid Rock Pleads Not Guilty to Waffle House Fight

This is one of my favorite US Weekly headlines since well, maybe ever.

It is hard to compete with the consecutive headlines of:

Jamie Lynn Spears Announces She’s Pregnant
Lynne Spear’s Parenting Book "Delayed Indefinitely"

But this one’s pretty good too.

Of course the fight wasn’t Kid’s fault, he was just trying to have a good time and treat patrons to some delicious waffles when some local rabble-rouser had to cause trouble.

For more details on Waffle House Smackdown click here.

Here is a Bill Hicks joke about hanging out at Waffle House

I Dig Dudes in Drag!

This is what I rock out to in Ft. Smith Arkansas.



I wonder if these guys sit around and are like,

"Dude, Milton Berle was in our video."

"I know, I was there remember."

"But c'mon man, Milton Berle! Motley Crue didn't have Milton Berle in THEIR video."

"Yes, we've covered this. MANY TIMES."

"Let's watch it again."

"Maybe later, I gotta sell at least two flat screens today."

This Post Will Happen Only ONCE Every Four Years

Today is “Leap Year.” What exactly is Leap Year?

No one knows. Aside from a few scientists and dolphins, the concept is too difficult to be grasped by mere humans.
So let us instead celebrate an even better event- Tony Robbins birthday. Coincidentally, this also only occurs every four years.

My plan to celebrate Big T’s big day include leaving this two-star hotel in Nashville- thank you exit 47 FOR EVERYTHING. Next I will drive through whatever state and/or states come next until I get to what is sure to be a one or two-star hotel in Arkansas.

Yes, my life is awesome, but it doesn't mean you can't have fun. Perhaps you could run (or walk) to your local Cineplex to enjoy hottie-fest, "The Other Boleyn Girl" which opened today.

I predict the period piece to CRUSH the R- Rated Will Ferrell comedy Semi-Pro.*

Finally all that Red Carpet canoodling will pay off!





*My predictions have a 45-50% success rate.

Welcome to the Lipstick Jungle

Are your eyes open? Well odds are, you are probably looking at an advertisement for Lipstick Jungle.

I haven’t been able to check this new NBC offering yet as I have been subletting a place sans tv (despair!), ironically IN the Lipstick Jungle. I’ve been opening conversations with strangers with, “So, this is the Lipstick Jungle eh?” So far this conversation opener has a 100% success rate of annoying the other person and cracking me up.

Lipstick Jungle sounds like the name of a fake show created by fake tv executives on a another fake show I just created called “Development Diva’s.” DD's is a one hour dramedy that explores the lives of three high powered yet vulnerable tv executives who try to balance their high pressure careers, their hot boyfriends/lovers/husbands/frozen eggs and their giant Manhattan apartments full of shoes.

The Cashmere Mafia doesn’t have a chance against the DD’s!

I think I shall go to the NBC website and watch an episode of the LJ, see what my Diva's are up against.

Introducing Rex

I’ve had my first official New York City rat encounter. Rat’s are to New York, like cockroaches are to Los Angeles. Except, there are also cockroaches in NYC, so I guess that analogy doesn’t really hold up.

Rats are to New York like 27- year old actor’s that I’ve dated are to Los Angeles.

There, that’s better.

Rex, the rat that jumped into my path, was a pretty big fella, and easily could have been mistaken for a cat, skunk, possum or knock-off Dolce&Gabbana purse.

First I was startled, and let out a tiny shriek (like a girl!), but realizing the exciting New York experience I was having, I calmed myself down using a deep breathing technique that I learned from a Deepak Chopra podcast.

Upon closer inspection, Rex the rat was not nearly as cute as Ratatouille. He also proceeded to completely ignore my request for the secret to a great Bernaise sauce.

The Weightlifting Snowman

If you're not already turned on to This American Life on NPR, I highly recommend starting with this one:

Episode 323- The Super

Poor Man's Bikini Beach

I happened to catch a program the other night called, “Poor Man’s Bikini Beach,” (that’s right folks- I have cable!) I’m not sure what compelled me to leave it on this particular program, what can I say, it was late, “Ice Road Trucker’s,” wasn’t on.

Initially there were a gaggle of girls bouncing around on a makeshift stage/boxing ring in a bar I quickly surmised to be named The Sleazy Parrot or Beach Bums. The girls were all wearing a similar uniform: tiny bikini, belly ring, monster implants and the requisite lower back tattoo. The frenzied dance style suggested a need for some sort of relief that only a sticky pole in the center of the ring could offer.

The production value of the program did not sway far from the title and it was hard to follow what was happening. Maybe this was an intentional ploy to instill the viewer with the sense that they had also just been roofied.

The frenetic dancing then turned into a competition. I can only guess the girls were competing for the coveted trucker hat and possibly a case of Chlamydia.

After a short commercial break, which oddly seemed to feature some of the same girls pleading for you to call them and chat because they were lonely, the contest moved into the audience participation phase. I call this “The Mushy Banana Dance.”

During this phase of the competition, a fresh- faced tattooed girl is in the ring with a young gentleman, chosen from the audience. It’s not made clear how he was chosen, if it’s a random drawing or if cash exchanged hands.

First the young lady peels the banana, then she covers herself generously with whipped cream. Next she hands the banana to the kindly young gentleman who I suspect smells strongly of Drakkar Noir and vomit. I notice they exchange a few words over the pounding beats of dance music during the “banana pass.” Next he places the banana on her body and pushes his muscular frame into her tiny one. While I’m imagining the various date rape scenarios bound to play out in his Dad’s Escalade later, the screen goes to black. A cheesy graphic quickly comes up to inform me that this mushy banana dance is “TOO HOT FOR TV!”
As the graphic flashes on the screen I can’t help but wonder what they were saying to each other during the “Banana Hand-Off.”

What exactly is the etiquette required in that situation?

“Hi I’m Brittany.”

“Hey Brittany, wuz up, so do you care where I put the banana?”

“No way! I don’t have boundaries! I lost those when I was 12, LONG STORY.”

“This is fun eh?”

“Fun? This is for my career! You can’t just break into hardcore porn ya know. You gotta work your way up.”