How to Be a Terrible Wife

Endless articles exist on how to move through reproductive challenges gracefully, but what about if you prefer the path of most resistance? Here are some of my own helpful tips.

1. Put a urine spattered ovulation test stick in your husband’s hand, point to the bedroom and say, “It better fucking work this time.”

2. Buy a fertility book called “Making Babies,” then read it to your husband every night in bed wearing sensible cotton underwear.

3. When your husband makes his third coffee stop of the day give him the most judgey face you can muster and snap- “Fine, then you can pay for the IVF!”

4. Cry when you see a pregnant woman, cry when you see a baby, cry when you see your reflection in the mirror, cry when you see anything with your eyes.

5. Go on an extreme “PH fertility diet,” that restricts you from eating all of the foods you love, but make sure you do it at the same time you go off your anti-depressants.

What to Expect When You’re NOT Expecting

If you are trying to conceive and it’s just not happening as fast as you expected, as in RIGHT NOW DAMMIT! I’ve put together this helpful list of Do’s and Don’ts. It won’t get you pregnant, but it may help you out along the way.

DON’T Commit a Senseless Act of Violence

If you see a pregnant woman strolling around the Farmer’s Market on a Sunday morning* with her well behaved toddler on one arm and her ruggedly handsome husband on the other- do not throw hot coffee in her face. No matter how much you want to. You will be arrested.

*You will see a pregnant woman at the Farmer’s Market. 100% of the women that attend Farmer’s Markets are pregnant. Even the 60 year- old lady that sells rhubarb jam has a baby bump.

DO Use Your Vivid Imagination

When you come face to face with the blinding glow that is the pregnant woman, don’t let it get you down. Instead use this as an opportunity for introspection. In my moments of introspection, said pregnant woman is afflicted with chronic halitosis, a very unfortunate looking vagina or a husband with a penchant for hairless Asian men. This always makes things seem a little brighter.

DON’T Bring Up Cervical Mucus in Casual Conversation

Unless you are talking to your OB/GYN, your fertility specialist or your friend that’s a nurse, no human being- including and especially your husband wants to hear the words “cervical mucus,” escape your lips. I don’t care how awesome your cervical mucus is.

DO Scream at Your Zucchini

Unlike pregnant women at the Farmer’s Market, the zucchini in your garden don’t have feelings. So feel free to unleash all your rage and frustration at these blatantly fertile vegetables. It’s about time someone took down those obnoxiously fruit bearing plants.

If you don’t have a garden, your local grocery store’s produce department will do.

DON’T Blame Yourself

Maybe you experimented with recreational drugs in your early 20’s, wasted your most fertile years in dead end relationships, or chain smoked your way through college. Perhaps you did none of this or, like me, all of this and more.

There’s no point dwelling in the past and ruminating over former bad choices. Why not take all those feelings of negativity and self blame and place them directly where they belong- on your parents. It’s fine, they’re used to it.

DO Relax About People Telling You To “Relax”

I don’t care if this person is your best friend, your OB/GYN or you grandmother when they utter the phrase “You know, you just need to relax about this,” it may invoke a feeling very opposite of relaxation and more closely aligned with committing an act of physical violence.

As much as you may want to punch your BFF, she’s really just trying to help. Instead, seek out and confide in that one friend who gets you, who gets this (maybe because she’s been through it too) and who can make a kick ass Margarita.

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Last Dish Effort

Sadly, the Dish has been canceled. I think it had something to do with zero advertising and no one having the cable channel it aired on. But it's hard to say. Here are some of my last jokes that didn't make it to air, but hold a special place in my heart.


Lady Gaga admits that she writes most of her songs while high on weed. So that’s why so many of her songs are about Ranch Doritos.

Dancing with the Stars pro Maksim Chermokovsky revealed he’s very gentle with his partner Kirstie Alley. It’s true; he hasn’t dropped her one time. He also hasn’t lifted her one time.

Stevie Nicks lashed out when asked about rumors that Lindsay Lohan wants to portray the singer on film and said, “she needs to stop doing drugs and get a grip.” Stevie then sprinkled gold dust into the air and flew away bareback on a purple unicorn.

US Weekly reports that Justin Timberlake cheated on Jessica Biel with actress Olivia Munn after they met at a Myspace event. I find that hard to believe-- Myspace is still a company?

Charlie Sheen admitted to Life and Style Magazine that, "I’m Losing My Mind.” Oh wait, Charlie just found his mind; it was misplaced under a big pile of cocaine. It’s always the last place you look!

The Discovery Channel announced that there will be no season two for Sarah Palin’s Alaska. Great now what am I supposed to watch with my friend that’s a moron?

Dancing With the Stars Maksim Chmerkovskiy is set to star on the Ukranian version of The Bachelor. I can’t wait to hear Maksim say, “Will you accept this healthy egg producing chicken?”

Lady Gaga’s new perfume has a name- MONSTER! It’s a fine blend of patchouli, jasmine and that glitter that gets stuck in your butt crack.

Victoria Beckam reveals that inside of her there is a gay man trying to get out. I always suspected, I mean David’s hair is ALWAYS perfect.

I can’t wait for Paris Hilton and Charlie Sheen ex- Brooke Mueller’s new reality show. It’s going to be just like Cagney and Lacey except instead of solving a new crime every week, they commit one.

First-time parents Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon had a surprisingly low-key baby shower in Beverly Hills this week. It’s true; I was there and can verify that the unicorns were dressed in classy yet understated tuxedos.

Julianne Hough reveals that Ryan Secret is a really romantic guy who fills her car with flowers. Poor Julianne, she has no idea this is all for his new E! reality show, “Filling Cars With Flowers with Ryan Secrest.”

There will be no season two for Sarah Palin’s Alaska. Great now what am I supposed to watch with that friend I have that’s a moron?