I have a new hobby.
You might have heard of it- high priced dental work.
It’s so crazy because I wasn’t even looking for a new hobby.
You might be wondering why I chose such an expensive hobby. You might even suggest something less cost prohibitive like collecting conflict diamonds.
Look, I want to support genocide as much as the next person. But does this hobby come with the added bonus of long stretches of dull aching pain in the mouth region only broken up with pain that is excruciating?
Will collecting conflict diamonds have the added benefit of being virtually resistant to all pain relievers including but not limited to Advil by the handful, Vicodin, Percocet and/or red wine?
Because that’s what I’m into right now.
It started with a cracked molar caused by intense clenching at night. It turns out that recurrent nightmare I've been having for years about the mouthful of broken teeth is actually a dream come true.
For those of you who are fortunate enough to sleep peacefully and by peacefully I mean busted up teeth are not part of the experience, you won’t know that the procedure for a cracked molar is a crown.
When my dentist told me, I was like, “But crowns are for old people.”
He was like, “I know right!” And then he high- fived me and rode off on his skateboard.
Now if you think this is where this story ends, apparently it doesn't because I am still writing words down. For some people, a crown creates bigger problems, because of "deep cavity blah blah bacteria big dentist words," and then those people have to get a root canal.
But wait, root canals are for really really old people!!
My dentist, while using some barbaric metal tool to extract the contents of my favorite tooth,
---by the way, you really never know it’s your favorite tooth until you are faced with having it’s insides scooped out with a pointy metal weapon that should only be found in a serial killers basement slash torture chamber--Wait where was I? Oh yes, my dentist, holding said weapon in hand, suggested a brand new top of the line night guard that he called an NTI . I have no idea what it stands for, Maybe “
No
Teeth
Injured?” "
None of
This is
Insured," is my best guess.
I was fairly sure my insurance wouldn’t cover this NTI, and based on my last two night guards, I was pretty sure I wouldn’t wear it. So I was thinking of going with no. But when a bald dentist is standing over your vulnerable beloved tooth with a sharp metal hook in his hand and images of Marathon Man are flashing through your head, it’s difficult to say no.
So now I am crowned, root canal-ed and NTI'd and I am hoping I can move on to a hobby of my choice…
Here are my Top Ten Ideas For New Hobbies
1. Discover the secret to not doing any actual work at work. Share it with no one
2. Be a best selling novelist purely based on my vague ideas for best selling novels
3. Be fluent in four to seven languages through osmosis
4. Discover a cure for my occasional adult onset acne
5. Oh, I guess I should cure world hunger, cancer and AIDS first
6. Open a school in a third world country like Oprah did and name it after myself. When I go there all the little children have to bow to me because c’mon, they owe me at least that
7. Became a person who has the power to make laws and then immediately outlaw skinny jeans and Fox News
8. Still not read EAT PRAY LOVE
9. Send a moving thank you letter to the human who came up with the idea for Baked Doritos
Okay, I guess nine is all I have in me.
