Short Film Fun!

Here's something I did for you.

Support the Writer's Strike!

I know you have been wondering, What can I, Johnny Wisconsin or Jane Minnesota do to help those poor struggling writers?

Here are the answers you Wisconsinites and Minnesotans have been eagerly awaiting for!

Sign this petition!

Also watch this video-

Bird's the Word

I was enjoying a bagel sandwich in my car at the Whole Foods parking lot when I noticed a woman get into her SUV and prepare to do the same. But she was not alone, for on her shoulder was perched a magnificent white parrot.

It occurred to me as she situated herself in her luxury vehicle, that just moments before, this woman and her feathered friend were perusing the aisles of Whole Foods together.

If only I were that free!

Why couldn’t I walk through life with such a devil may care attitude that I would enter an organic grocery with an exotic animal on one shoulder and my recycled fabric tote on the other!

I’ll tell you why, it’s not the odd stares that I can’t endure, it’s the constant unending interaction with strangers that a parrot on one’s shoulder is sure to bring.

I watched as they shared a container of couscous. I envied their intimacy. Suddenly my bagel seemed too large for just one human to consume.

I felt a little sad when I saw her start the SUV and the parrot take his proper perch on the passenger headrest.

As they drove off, the woman let out a big hearty laugh. I couldn’t help but wonder, “What the fuck did that parrot just say to her?”

The King

When I watch Larry King, I’m not thinking of his hard-hitting interviewing style. What really comes to mind is how did that guy agree to get 7 women to marry him? He's no Liz Taylor.

I think it’s a testament to how many women are in really crummy living situations and need a place to stay.

"Well, I could keep crashing on my sisters couch, or there’s this Larry King guy."

"I have this toxic mold problem in my bathroom…or I guess I could marry this old dude."

Okay, I haven't been saying much lately...

But come to this show...I am going to tell a story. It will be funny.

Tongue & Groove
It's at 6pm on October 28th at the Hotel Cafe.
1623 1/2 N Cahuenga Blvd, Los Angeles, CA 90028

$5

Thank you Crazypants!

Look, she may have been a little off. Okay, fine, she was certifiable. But she was laughing at all of my jokes. Therefore, I adored her. She allowed me to walk out off that stage and deem that set, a “good set.” In the event that anyone asks, I am technically allowed to say, “I had a good set. “ Wait, “I had a great set!”

More experienced comedians may not count the laughs of a mentally unbalanced and most likely homeless person as an indicator of the strength of their material, but apparently I do. At least last night I did.

That was a tough room. I don’t mean tough in the sense that the host commented on my boobs during my introduction, or that the comedian that I had to follow came to the stage pie-eyed and proceeded to spend the next five minutes laughing at his own act. His act consisted of him saying, "I luvvv the PUSSY!!!" over and over again, between fits of laughter and coughing. I guess, “I luvvv the Pussy,” is one of those crowd- pleasing jokes that doesn’t require a punchline.

It was pretty funny actually.

When I say it was a tough room, I mean I felt unsafe. There was something in the air that can only be described as a “rape vibe.” Please don’t misunderstand; I’m not describing a room where lots of adorable rape jokes (guilty as charged!) are told. I had the sense that an actual rape could occur. Yes, I realize this would arm me with an amazing amount of new material, but I have this weird fear of rape. Call it a quirk. It’s pretty high on my list of fears, right up there with flying and musty antique stores. So, yes, last night, I was taking what I could get,

Crazypants was a breath of fresh air. She was yucking it up through my entire set. It was beautiful. Granted, she was also laughing when people were approaching the mic and exiting the stage, but so what! Laughing is laughing. I’m not going to split hairs about this.

Greenspan's Reefer Madness!

Alan Greenspan knows all about the depression because he lived it! HE talks about it in his new captivating book!


Al, as I like to call him, who was our Federal Reserve Chairman for X number of years has a new book out “The Age of Turbulence.” I’m sure you are currently tearing through this riveting page turner, feel free to give me the highlights, I keep forgetting to pick up copy.

He was promoting his new book on NPR the other day and he was talking about being in a Jazz band as a young whippersnapper. Apparently some of the band members enjoyed the kind herb, but not Al.

“Not me, oh no, I never even smoked a cigarette. But even to this day, I can still smell a marijuana cigarette from 50 yards away!”

Um…Alan, I think pretty much, all of us can.

Billboards, Killers & Pie

She’s the Agent, he’s the Secret.

Well the secret’s out- Chuck is unwatchable.

Did I get a screener because I am a showbiz insider? Nope. I have an uncanny ability to gauge the watchability of a show, based on viewing a few seconds of a promo and seeing a few billboards.

Or in the case of CHUCK, a few thousand billboards.

In other news, do my neighbors EVER STOP washing clothes? The incessant spin cycle is INSUFFERABLE. I am fairly certain based on the newspaper covering all of their windows that the constant spin cycle is connected to a need to wash the bloody clothes of their victims before they dismember them and stuff their parts into the freezer.

I should bake them a pie.

This fella “Chuck,” who works for the “Nerd Herd.” Which is a clever play on Best Buy’s “Geek Squad.” Please. I’ve never seen a guy that good looking even shopping at a Best Buy.

If your eyes happen to accidentally fall on a billboard that isn’t Chuck, you can rest assured, it’s for this great new reality show, KID NATION.


Children live without any parental supervision for 40 days- children as young as 8.
The parents actually had to sign a waiver that released the show from any responsibility if their kids died.

The billboard reads...

"I CAN’T BELIEVE WE’RE ABOUT TO DO THIS!"

I guess they ran out of room on the ads because it should read... “"I CAN’T BELIEVE WE’RE ABOUT TO DO THIS...TO OUR CHILDREN!”

The Ellen billboards though are the most annoying, “I watch Ellen because she’s my BFF.”

This woman in Wisconsin actually believes she’s best friends with Ellen Degeneres and how does the Ellen show respond to her delusional thinking? They reward it by putting her giant crazy head on a billboard.

That’s irresponsible and sick if you ask me. It seems pretty low to stoop to get new viewers, taking advantage of the mentally ill.

Plus her giant crazy face scares me. She’s grinning menacingly over all of us on LaBrea and Melrose. That’s not pleasant.

Donut Burgers Coming to a Menu Near YOU!

I saw a link for an article online the other day...

Donut Burger's Coming to a Menu Near YOU!

It seems that some restaurants are now offering a
hamburger that uses two donuts for a bun.
Finally! This is what America needs!
Below that link there was another link...

Consider a RAW FOOD DIET Instead.

I'm thinking anyone clicking on the story about
cow meat sandwiched between two glazed donuts,
is nowhere near considering a raw food diet.

Here's an idea, how about, Consider a REGULAR BUN.
Although I am a very busy and important person, I managed to squeeze in a moment to type "donut burger," into youtube and see what came up.

Nude Cooking Talk Show.

JACKPOT!

But when I began to watch the Nude Cooking Talk Show, it was just as boring as people cooking with their clothes on while being filmed. I know this seems impossible – they're NAKED - but trust me on this. If you doubt me, watch a few moments. You will soon go, "Kris was totally right on about that!"

Here is the link just in case you want to be bored out of your mind.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=REOSAbCfXp4

The only moment of interest for me came about midway through when the NUDE CHEF LADY said to the NUDE PAL OR NEIGHBOR LADY…

"When people find out I'm a nude chef, the NUMBER 1
question I get asked is, "What do you do when
you fry bacon?"

WHAT?

You tell people you are a NUDE CHEF
and that's the NUMBER ONE QUESTION you get asked?

Because that's not the first thing that pops into my
head. I would have so many other questions before
bacon frying would even be on the table. Let's start
with the big one:

WHY CAN I SEE YOUR VAGINA RIGHT NOW?

Celebrity Crushin'

Keanu Reeves. Everyone knows he’s a brilliant actor. But here’s a little known piece of trivia about him- I want to "do it," with him. And possibly be his girlfriend too. We can start with "doing it," and see where it leads.

I have decided as both Keanu and I live in Los Angeles, there is about a 95% chance we will be "doing," it by years end.

I have a roommate. I don’t even require one, that’s how well my career is working out for me. I want one. When you have a roommate you can talk about your feelings anytime- day or night. Sometimes- day AND night. Even if you think you don’t want to talk about your feelings, you are wrong.

You do.

A recent Saturday morning, she came into my room to make the following declaration.

“I LIKE JOHN MAYER.”

I said, “GO FOR IT.”

That’s the kind of roommate I am. Supportive. Just because I think he might be a "tool," or a "cheeseball," doesn't mean they shouldn't be together. Who am I to get in the way of true love? I went out with a guy named Kasper. I have no room to judge.

“Well you know he has kinda been seeing someone.” I told her.

Judging by the look on her face, by some small miracle, she had managed to walk through her days unencumbered with trials and tribulations of the budding romance between John Mayer and Jessica Simpson.

Her face twisted in disgust. “I can't believe he's dating her OVER ME!”

“Well, in his defense, he's never met you.”

I am known to make some pretty good points.

“I have lost so much respect for him.”

What had John Mayer done to earn her respect? Just wanting to do it with someone, doesn’t garner them respect. Or wait, does it?

Was it that “Your body is a wonderland,” song? Is that what did it? Oddly, it had the opposite effect on me.

Did I respect Keanu Reeves? How could I know? We hadn’t even done it yet. He was a great in The Matrix. But did that earn my respect, making a smart career choice? I’d need to give that some more thought.

But this wasn’t about me. This was about the love triangle of John Mayer, Jessica Simpson and my roommate.

"Look, I get that she doesn't know the difference between tuna and chicken. But do you realize what Jessica Simpson looks like?

“Yeah.”

“I don’t think you can judge a guy for going out with her.”

“But she’s so dumb and annoying!”

“She’s got big cans. Even her Dad can’t stop talking about her cans.”

I think she felt a lot better after our little talk.

Here is John doing stand-up. Maybe he's not so bad afterall. He does have nice hair.

Please enjoy.

This discovery makes me feel a little better that I did not get one of the 200 coveted wristbands for the Paul McCartney show last Wednesday at Amoeba records in Hollywood.

I even took the day off to stand in line all day. UNPAID. But unfortunatly rabid fans started lining up on Monday. Cursed baby boomers with their loads of retirement free time.

I hope you will enjoy this clip as much as I do. Cher and Tina Turner look AMAZING! Rod Steiger, not so much.

Kevin Costner's Band

Did you know Kevin Costner has a band? That's right. A rock band. Guess what he named his awesome rock band. Brace yourself. “The Kevin Costner Band. “

What would The Kevin Costner’s tour be called? “Tour?” “This is in support of our new album. Called- "ALBUM.”

Here is a recreation of events from Kevin's fascinating life.

Kevin Costner & Dirk the Bass Player
a tiny screenplay
by Kris Kimmel

KEVIN COSTNER
So, I got the name for the band.

DIRK THE BASS PLAYER
Sweet. Lay it on me.

KEVIN COSTNER
The Dave Matthews Band.

DIRK THE BASS PLAYER
That’s funny. Seriously, what’s the name?

KEVIN COSTNER
I just told you.

DIRK THE BASS PLAYER
Um, we can’t name our band The Dave Matthews Band.

KEVIN COSTNER
Why the heck not?

DIRK THE BASS PLAYER
Because. There is already a band named The Dave Matthews Band.

KEVIN COSTNER
Hmmm, I don't know.

DIRK THE BASS PLAYER
No-I'm telling you, they exist.

KEVIN COSTNER
So I'll buy the name.

DIRK THE BASS PLAYER
I don’t think you understand. The Dave Matthews Band is very successful.

KEVIN COSTNER
Are they as big as Hootie and the Blowfish?

DIRK THE BASS PLAYER
MUCH bigger.

KEVIN COSTNER
There's no way they touch Hootie’s sweet sound.

DIRK THE BASS PLAYER
I don’t even know how to respond to that.

KEVIN COSTNER
Man. I really loved that name.

Kevin holds his head in his hands.

DIRK THE BASS PLAYER
Here’s an idea. How about The Kevin Costner Band?

KEVIN COSTNER
C'mon. You can't name your band after yourself.

DIRK THE BASS PLAYER
Listen to this-there's a guy named Dave Matthews in The Dave Matthews Band.

KEVIN COSTNER
You’re lying.

DIRK THE BASS PLAYER
Google it!

KEVIN COSTNER
Do you think just because I'm Kevin Costner that I have a team of scientists at my disposal?

DIRK THE BASS PLAYER
What? You have a computer right there. Ya know what, let’s just practice.

KEVIN COSTNER
What about The Allman Brothers? That's my alternate.

DIRK THE BASS PLAYER
Just please stop talking.

It's Earth Day!

Here are some things YOU can do today for Earth Day.

1. Don’t drive your car. Walk! Or, better yet- Stay in your pajamas and watch The Discovery Channel’s Planet Earth Marathon instead.
2. Don’t shower. Just keep watching the show. Congratulate yourself for the water you just conserved.
3. Go to algore.org and sign the petition that’s pushing him to run in 2008. Send it to everyone you know- especially people in Ohio that voted for Bush. Jerks.
4. Jesus, this show kills me. Excuse me? Hey, guy with the camera? Could you give that starving Polar Bear some food please? I know you have some. Just throw him half your sandwich. C’mon.
5. Plant a tree. I just did. Or something very similar to that.
6. Eat Cookies. I’m not sure why this is good for Earth. But science is behind this.
7. Do not exercise. Don’t pollute the Earth with your extra breaths of carbon dioxide. I’m not and you shouldn’t either.
8. A nap after sleeping 12 hours is NOT lazy. It’s good for you and good for Mother Earth! While napping you AREN’T driving, using electricity, wasting water, littering or polluting. Napping is something I call “passive activism.”
9. Don’t use your cell phone. Do you know that cell phones interrupt the navigation of bees preventing them from pollinating crops? Do you see problem here? Don’t even answer that crop killer. Especially his call.
10. Do you know what’s really good for the Earth? Making Out. Why? I’m not sure on this one. But making out, like creating a top ten list, is super fun and makes me happy.

I am a baseball expert

Now that it's baseball season, I have decided I am going to become a baseball expert. Here are some facts I have picked up based on watching just one game. (Part of one game.)

1. Baseball players can be black, white and other races. Like fat.
2. There are 3 sets of numbers on the screen. The first set are the scores that the judges give them. The second set are the scores that the audience give them. The third set is their "wish score."
3. I did not want to make-out with any of the baseball players.
4. A baseball game may remind you of summertime's past. Or that Seinfeld is probably on another channel.
5. There are two teams. I am almost sure of this.
6. Baseball players are sometimes referred to as "athletes." Now, I realize that is meant sarcastically.
7. This is more of a suggestion: A baseball covered in metal spikes. Think about it.
8. Announcers say things and no one (on Earth anyway) know what they are talking about.
9. All baseball players are alcoholics that beat their wives. FACT.
10. Baseball is purely a game of chance.

Missed Connections

Missed Connections
Here's is my favorite guy on Craigslist Missed connections these days:

Dear Bipolar Girl At Work - m4w

Reply to: pers-303549755@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-03-31, 12:37AM PDT


WHAT'S YOUR DEAL??!!!
I mean...one minute you're nice,
and then the next minute you're like the meanest bitch
in the world!!!

I don't get you and you know what...?
I don't CARE to get you! I don't know if you actually
get off on treating people like crap, because if you
do...I just want to know who do you think you are?
You're like some sort of freakshow or something...

Anyways, sorry for venting. Just wanted to let you
know that I'm in love with you and I hope that you're
doing okay. See you at work on Monday.

Love,
Your Biggest Fan

Oh, but wait...he had more to say…nine days later


Dear Bipolar Girl At Work Pt. 2 - m4w

Reply to: pers-308085433@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-04-08, 12:23AM PDT


Hey-
So...I received some advice telling me that maybe I
should let you know how I really feel about you. The
thing is that it's nearly impossible to tell you at
work so I guess I'll have to settle for CL.

Basically, I think that you're a very beautiful
person. Your eyes, the way you smile (when you're in a
good mood), and the way that you can be nice when you
want to be. But to be honest, when you are being a
bitch, that's when I find myself thinking about you
most. Anyways, I don't know if you have someone
special in your life but if you are looking for
someone who'll give you attention and love...I just
want to let you know that I'll be here for you