New Movie Friday

Hey kids! It's Friday. Do you know what that means? A host of new movies are hitting your local cineplex. Don't let the fact that most of these movies are borderline unwatchable stop you from going. What else are you gonna do? Stay in and watch Netflix? C'mon, you need to leave your apartment. Seriously, I'm starting to worry about you.

Here's a few movies that are opening today and my recommendations/predictions (based on what I know off the top of my head.)

Click on the titles to watch the trailer!

Stop-Loss- Hot guys who fight in Iraq. One of the hot guys gets called back for another tour of duty and refuses to go. Tender moments ensue. Directed by Kimberly Peirce, the director of Boys Don't Cry. Reviews are mixed on this one. I predict this movie will be a huge hit. This one is a Netflix for me.

21- This true story of super smart and awesome looking MIT students who learn how to count cards, then go to Vegas and win a bunch of money. I'm pretty sure the star of the movie will be having sex with Kate Bosworth at some point. In the trailer they roll in money on the bed, so expect a lot of other innovative scenes like that one. Reviews here.

Run Fat Boy Run- Simon Pegg, the likable Brit who brought you Shaun of the Dead, (he was Shaun) is back with another comedy. That is, if you thought Shaun of the Dead was a comedy. I didn't laugh once while I was watching it. Maybe I need to see it again since a lot of my friend's LOVE that movie. Perhaps they were all high when they watched it? In Run Fat Boy Run, he's the fat boy and he decides to compete in a marathon in an attempt to win back his ex- played by Thandie Newton. I think I'll wait and see what my friend's (that aren't high when they see it) say.

Priceless- It's French and stars Amelie's Audrey Tatau. I'm sold.

Hungry Like the...um...Lemur?

Duran Duran is on Tour! No you haven't come across and old blog post from 1984. Blogs didn't exist in 1984, (how did we ever get through our day?), but 12 year old girls did and they were gaga for the androgynous hitmakers. Now those tweens are in their 30's and buying up tickets like wildfire. These women pay good money for their sitters and expect to hear the hits.

And the boys are more than happy to accomodate. Or, try to anyway.

According to Reuters, Duran Duran's tour got off to a rocky start in New Zealand as singer Simon Le Bon forget the lyrics to "Hungry Like the Wolf," arguably the band's signature song.

Later in the show John Taylor, in true pop star hissy fit form, abandoned his guitar and walked off stage during a segment using keyboards and an electronic drum set. Taylor explained later, "I could not dance to that. These people came here to dance."

John, it's great that you care so much about your fans, but they're just glad to be out of the house and dancing to anything besides The Wiggles.

Recession Smeshion

If you were irked before about how expensive it is to go the movies, get ready because that frown on your face is about to get frownier.

Variety reports that Village Roadshow Gold Class Cinemas are launching 50 super-luxe theaters nationwide. The cinemas will feature 40 seats per auditorium, call buttons for waiters on each seat, and a $35 price tag for tickets.

The fancy pants theaters are moving beyond popcorn and Raisinets--offering made to order meals like sushi.

Oh, so sushi is included in the ticket price. Right?

Sorry kids, food and cocktails are extra. But, you will have that really cool waiter button on your comfy seat. That's totally worth $35.

Looks Like I'm Going to Have to Get HBO

Or get a boyfriend with cable.

"SWF seeks Dude with Premium Channels."

I know you're thinking Kris, "Why such high standards all of the sudden?"

Well, it looks like Bob & David are coming back to tv (hooray!) and I refuse to hear about their new show via word of mouth.

The new show "David's Situation," will be directed by Odenkirk and Cross is set to star. The pilot revolves around Cross leaving Hollywood to move to a suburban, gated community where he lives with two roommates, a right-wing conservative and a liberal hippie.

Filming begins in May. I guess I better get going on this.

photo by Marina Chavez

Because This Single Dad Deserves to Let Loose!

Kevin Federline partied it up at club Pure in Vegas Friday night to celebrate turning 30.

After K-Fed and his pals got tired of throwing cake at each other, Kevin took to the stage and began instructing guests to "take s—ts in the bathroom of the club.”

Hey Kev, here's a little tip from me to you, if it's your 30th birthday party and you have to remind your friends where to defecate, it may be time for some new friends.

A witness told US Weekly, “The DJ tried to take the microphone back after about three minutes, but he just kept going. It didn’t make any sense what he was saying. He was just blabbing on.”

Well, boys will be boys! After all, he was drinking Jack Daniels and Patron all night.

I'd love to see how this story would be reported if this were Britney doing the same thing.

"Helpless Toddlers Deserted While Britney Parties in Vegas!"

Britney Spears celebrated her birthday in Vegas without her children in tow. The whereabouts of the her children have yet to be confirmed, but the single mother did not seem to miss her two young helpless toddlers as she partied into the late hours of the night.

According to a witness, Spears wore a very revealing dress and danced wildly as if "she didn't have two little helpless babies out there. Somewhere." Another witness described the young mother's behavior as "borderline criminal," and went on to add that Britney was clearly not yet rid of her "baby weight."

The single mother of two young helpless children drank Jack Daniels and Patron through the night. According to addiction specialist Dr. Drew Pinksy, "When a single mother of two young helpless toddlers leaves them to go out and drink all night, she is putting more than her own life at risk. She is also putting the lives of two young precious toddlers at risk."

As the alcohol flowed, the party became out of control as Spears and friends threw birthday cake at each other. Dr. Drew says, "This woman is completely unhinged and should have her tiny helpless toddlers taken away immediately." After Britney and her pals got tired of throwing cake at each other, Spears took to the stage and began instructing guests to "take s—ts in the bathroom of the club."

According to Dr. Drew, "This woman is suffering from postpartum depression, schizophrenia, bi-polar disorder and is very likely a serial killer. The children have been removed from the home and Britney has been arrested and placed under 24 hour surviellance."

photo courtesy Eric Boone/Splash News

New Music Monday

I came across another leaked track from Madonna's new album Hard Candy, set to release next Month.

Click here for a listen. I'm not that into it, but as a straight female I stopped being her target audience somewhere around "Ray of Light."

Here's some music news you can actually get excited about! The sophomore debut of The Racontuers drops tomorrow. I heard a track from "Consolers of the Lonely," on Indie 103.1 this morning and am jazzed to hear more.

Photo: Lucas Jackson

What's a Girl to Do?

This is my new favorite song (today). Please enjoy British indie import Bat For Lashes. I suspect you will love the song and the video.



Cool, no? Admittedly this video is a bit scary to the 8 year-old inside of me.

Maybe Christpher Hitchens is Right... I’m Not Funny Once in This Post!

Christopher Hitchens, resident expert on whatever he decides to open his toofy British mouth about, is now talking female comedians down a notch.

It's about time!

We were getting so tired of all the love and support we're used to getting from audiences, bookers and male comics.

Finally someone put us in our place.

Here is my favorite excerpt from Hitchens' knee slapping and adorable Vanity Fair article.

“In any case, my argument doesn't say that there are no decent women comedians. There are more terrible female comedians than there are terrible male comedians, but there are some impressive ladies out there. Most of them, though, when you come to review the situation, are hefty or dykey or Jewish, or some combo of the three."

Unlike all those gorgeous male comics out there, right?

I like the cover story better, and I think you will too- "Who Says Women Aren't Funny?" by Alessandra Stanley

Ladies, Do You Know What's Going Down on the Discovery Channel?

If you aren't watching Man vs. Wild, you are missing perhaps the only show that's ever been created for men, but thoroughly more enjoyable for women.

Bear Grylls treks through jungles, deserts, swamps and frozen tundra and he does it all with a super hot British accent. Plus he is constantly taking his clothes off!

Man vs. Wild is on Fridays at 9, and a bunch of other times- Click here for schedule.

For a sneak preview, check this out:



You're Welcome.

Superbad-Ass

In case you missed SNL last night, check out the latest digital short created by Andy Samberg and the gang. This week's featured Jonah Hill of Superbad fame.

Weekend Watch- Friday Night Baby!

No plans tonight? Head over Largo and check out talented whippersnapper Nellie McCay. The show is sold out for dinner, but you can grab a seat at the bar if you get there early. C'mon! All the cool kids will be there.

I wish I knew what Joy Behar was saying at the end, it looks like she's saying "What the f*ck was that?"

George Clooney’s Girlfriend Looks Great in a One-Piece But Can She Make Banana Bread?

Okay, I don’t think any of us here at kriskimmel.blogspot are surprised that Sarah Larson looks smashing in a bathing suit.

But George- how about a great girl who looks pretty okay in a one-piece and knows where Darfur is?

We know someone here on staff…

In other Clooney Watch ’08 news, George continues to be Best Man Ever, by donating some more money to Darfur.

Joe Francis is "Every Guy's Hero."

Girls Gone Wild creater and super creep Joe Francis is out of jail. He was released Wednesday after pleading no contest to one count of felony child abuse and two misdemeanor prostitution charges.

Although comparing his stint in jail to Abu Ghraib, Joe claims he was a "rock star," to the other inmates.

In an interview with E!, he went as far to say- "I'm every guys hero."

Huh, I bet there are a few fathers of 17 year old girls who would disagree.

Chris Rock Gets Enough New Material For 2 HBO Specials!

Finally this Pellicano scandal is getting interesting! The Huffington Post obtained the 31 minute taped conversation between Anthony Pellicano and comedian Chris Rock.

The conversation details a 2001 tryst between Rock and a woman named Monica Zsibrita, or as Chris likes to call her “Big Tits, White Pants.”

Uber creepy Pellicano often calls Rock "honey," "brother," "buddy" and "babe," but oddly Chris doesn't seem to mind.

Click here to listen to the entire tape.

Here are some highlights in case you are short on time.

8:15
CR: "I know the night we went to the Ivy she had on white pants. I only noticed cause my wife's real classy and subdued and I'm out with a girl with big tits and white pants. It's just, I know people were like, 'heeey'."

(Really Chris? Do you think anyone was shocked to see a comedian out with a chick with big tits and tight white pants? Puhhhlease, as joke telling girl whose dated her share of comedians…I’m ALWAYS either preceded or soon to be followed by a chick with big tits and tight white pants.

10:30
Pellicano excuses himself to "scream at my secretary."

(Yikes, thank god I never got sent there during my temping days.)

14:00
Pellicano (reading from report): "He tried to pull out and ejaculated on her thighs. She immediately got up and went to the bathroom where she cleaned up with a Kleenex. She put the Kleenex in her pocket."

(Beware men, we ALL do this.)

14:55
CR: I've been so set up...
AP: Did you come on her thighs?...
CR: I had a rubber on. I probably took it off right when I was getting ready to come. I probably came on her ass.

(Yuck.)

22:00
AP: Did you stick it in her? Without a rubber?
CR: No

(Yuck.)

29:05
AP: We're going to get her one way or the other... Does your old lady know what's going on?
CR: No. She thinks it's over, put it that way. She knows of it.

(I bet it's a love fest at the Rock house today.)

30:05
CR: Rape is just fucking, buzz, you know?... Once you're accused of rape, you're just FUCKED, you know?
AP: That's why i want to blacken this girl up, totally. I want to make her out to be a lying, scumbag, manipulative cocksucker... Stupid bitch
CR: I'm fucked. I'm better getting caught with needles in my arm. WAY better. Needles, with pictures, there's Chris Rock shooting heroin. Much better blow to the career.

(Wrong Chris- everybody LOVES a good rape accusation joke.)

The Opposite of Beatlemania

I am currently suffering from this affliction after watching last night’s 2 hour American Idol. I must confess, it was the first time I have EVER watched an entire episode of American Idol. I have been stubbornly refusing to join the rest of America in partaking in the juggernaut hit.

But last night I caved, in part because I knew they were going to be singing from the Lennon-McCartney songbook and I figured if I was going to not enjoy it, I might as well go ALL OUT.

And thankfully American Idol delivered!

There was a specific moment that is still leaving me a little unsettled and I’m not referring to the country version of “8 Day’s a Week," by this season's Carrie Underwood.

The moment that spooked me was when I said these words,

“I know I used to make fun of Ryan Seacrest’s highlights, but I actually think I liked his hair better frosted.”

One would think that would be my “scared straight,” moment, propelling me into an evening of watching CNN or reading The Economist, but I was so far gone at that point, I went straight to “Keeping Up With the Kardashians."

It gets worse, I watched 2 episodes in a row- and I wasn't even drunk.

I didn't stop there, like a junkie topping Persian Heroin with a little bump of high grade cocaine (shout out to Nikki Sixx!) I ended the night with an episode of Gene Simmon’s Family Jewels. I have a hard time paying attention to anything that’s actually happening on the show because I am so distracted by his freakish wig thingy. Also I am more than a little disturbed by how hot I think his son is. I guess it's a good thing I never became a high school English teacher. Also, is it just me, or does his son look a lot like Paul Stanley. Hmmmm….

George Clooney Still NOT Engaged

In an attempt to mention George Clooney in any way possible, US Weekly reported today that George Clooney continues to NOT be engaged to girlfriend of one-year, Sarah Larson.

Not that I blame US Weekly, I also bring up George Clooney, on average, once a day. I never do it intentionally, it just seems to come up in my everyday conversations.

"Hey Kris, do you wanna go grab a coffee?"

"A coffee sounds great! Speaking of great, George Clooney...is pretty great. Wouldn't you agree?
See, what I mean!

In a related story, George Clooney continues to also NOT be engaged to me.

The glass is half full...of Xanax

Looking for free meds? Well look no further!


A recent Associated press investigation found that a wide variety of prescription medications- including including antibiotics, anti-convulsants, mood stabilizers and sex hormones are available at the low low cost of FREE and in the new super easy to swallow "tap water," form.

That's right! Gone are the days of pesky pill swallowing, inconvenient childproof caps and standing in long lines at the pharmacy.

Can you pause your TIVO and walk over to your faucet? If you answered "yes," then you can regulate your cholesterol.

I couldn't be more delighted. Finally I will have access to a variety of medications that a certain stingy doctor won't prescribe because of their supposedly "addictive nature." Who know all it took was throwing out my Britta filter?

On the Dark Side

Instead of late night partying with Paris at Hyde or hanging with Ashton at Dolce, maybe you'd like to have some real fun.

Head to the New Beverly Cinema for New Beverly Midnights!

Click HERE for more information on upcoming shows!

March 8th at midnight is the 1984 classic "Street's of Fire."

Here is the awesome trailer, and yes that is Eddie from "Eddie and the Cruisers."

Airborne woes

Yet another school teacher is embroiled in scandal, but this one doesn't involve a fifteen year old boy, but a mega- popular cold remedy. Turns out Airborne is bunk.

Fear not, it's not bad for you, it's just, well...a bunch of vitamins. Don't have your receipts? Don't worry, you can still get a refund for up to 6 bottles.

One More Reason

It was announced today that Paris Hilton will be appearing in the return one-hour episode of My Name is Earl on April 3rd.





Congratulations My Name is Earl for continuing to find new creative ways for me to avoid watching My Name is Earl.

The United States of Wal Mart

Traveling across the country is a delight. Here are some moments I captured.

Somewhere in Southern Ohio...


I don’t know if this is my birthplace’s new state motto, but after spending a few days in sleet, snow and 14 degree temperatures, I found this to be an accurate statement.



In Carrolton, Ky at the exit 62 Conoco station…


Obviously I wanted to check out The Beer Cave, but the Deliverance banjo music playing in my head compelled me to fill up and move on. But as I continued west, I couldn’t stop thinking about The Beer Cave. I imagined cases of Bush beer stacked into an igloo-like formation in the back of the store next the “Git'R Done,” beer steins and buckets of nightcrawlers. Burly men wearing Carharts and Nascar caps would crawl happily inside the dark and mysterious cave to sit huddled together chugging the watery brew.

Or, maybe the sign was misspelled and it was actually supposed to read,

“COME CHECK OUT OUR BEAR CAVE”

A Bear Cave inside a gas station was even better, but death by bear is fairly high on my list of fears. I decided it would be a great story for the Carroll County News though.

“UNKNOWN COMEDIENNE MAULED IN GAS STATION BEAR CAVE- BY BEAR”

At approximately 2:45 pm a Los Angeles based unknown comedienne/ comedy writer/occasionally employed television writer was mauled by Foxworthy the Bear, at popular local Carollton attraction- The Conoco Gas Station Bear Cave.

According to witnesses, the mauling happened too fast for anyone to act.

Foxworthy, “flipped out,” according to witness Lenny Jenkins.

“He went crazy as soon as he seen her. Like he just didn’t like the looks of her. None of us did, truth be told, but I guess Foxworthy decided to act on it.”

Foxworthy, known for his gentleness and lovable nature, attacked Ms, Kimmel upon first sight.

“Soon as I heard her screamin’ I threw down my Mountain Dew and ran right in there, but it was too late. He ate her head right off."

According to animal expert Jack Hanna, bears are not known to eat human heads. “He must have really hated this lady.” said Hanna.

Foxworthy is currently being held in custody awaiting possible death. Local residents are outraged.

Foxworthy, named after funnyman Jeff Foxworthy, is beloved by the entire town of Carrollton and even has a small cult following in Louisville.

‘He didn’t know now better, if it’s anyone’s fault it’s that dead ladies fault for gettin’ him all riled up!” says local resident Debbie Sue Cox.

Donations can be made to the “Save Foxworthy,” campaign at the exit 62 Conoco station.

And in Nashville...



As you can see, Nashville is as beautiful as you’ve heard! Here is the view from my hotel room. I insist on the finest 2- star hotels this country has to offer.

Kid Rock Pleads Not Guilty to Waffle House Fight

This is one of my favorite US Weekly headlines since well, maybe ever.

It is hard to compete with the consecutive headlines of:

Jamie Lynn Spears Announces She’s Pregnant
Lynne Spear’s Parenting Book "Delayed Indefinitely"

But this one’s pretty good too.

Of course the fight wasn’t Kid’s fault, he was just trying to have a good time and treat patrons to some delicious waffles when some local rabble-rouser had to cause trouble.

For more details on Waffle House Smackdown click here.

Here is a Bill Hicks joke about hanging out at Waffle House

I Dig Dudes in Drag!

This is what I rock out to in Ft. Smith Arkansas.



I wonder if these guys sit around and are like,

"Dude, Milton Berle was in our video."

"I know, I was there remember."

"But c'mon man, Milton Berle! Motley Crue didn't have Milton Berle in THEIR video."

"Yes, we've covered this. MANY TIMES."

"Let's watch it again."

"Maybe later, I gotta sell at least two flat screens today."