Bird's the Word

I was enjoying a bagel sandwich in my car at the Whole Foods parking lot when I noticed a woman get into her SUV and prepare to do the same. But she was not alone, for on her shoulder was perched a magnificent white parrot.

It occurred to me as she situated herself in her luxury vehicle, that just moments before, this woman and her feathered friend were perusing the aisles of Whole Foods together.

If only I were that free!

Why couldn’t I walk through life with such a devil may care attitude that I would enter an organic grocery with an exotic animal on one shoulder and my recycled fabric tote on the other!

I’ll tell you why, it’s not the odd stares that I can’t endure, it’s the constant unending interaction with strangers that a parrot on one’s shoulder is sure to bring.

I watched as they shared a container of couscous. I envied their intimacy. Suddenly my bagel seemed too large for just one human to consume.

I felt a little sad when I saw her start the SUV and the parrot take his proper perch on the passenger headrest.

As they drove off, the woman let out a big hearty laugh. I couldn’t help but wonder, “What the fuck did that parrot just say to her?”

The King

When I watch Larry King, I’m not thinking of his hard-hitting interviewing style. What really comes to mind is how did that guy agree to get 7 women to marry him? He's no Liz Taylor.

I think it’s a testament to how many women are in really crummy living situations and need a place to stay.

"Well, I could keep crashing on my sisters couch, or there’s this Larry King guy."

"I have this toxic mold problem in my bathroom…or I guess I could marry this old dude."