Kevin Costner's Band

Did you know Kevin Costner has a band? That's right. A rock band. Guess what he named his awesome rock band. Brace yourself. “The Kevin Costner Band. “

What would The Kevin Costner’s tour be called? “Tour?” “This is in support of our new album. Called- "ALBUM.”

Here is a recreation of events from Kevin's fascinating life.

Kevin Costner & Dirk the Bass Player
a tiny screenplay
by Kris Kimmel

KEVIN COSTNER
So, I got the name for the band.

DIRK THE BASS PLAYER
Sweet. Lay it on me.

KEVIN COSTNER
The Dave Matthews Band.

DIRK THE BASS PLAYER
That’s funny. Seriously, what’s the name?

KEVIN COSTNER
I just told you.

DIRK THE BASS PLAYER
Um, we can’t name our band The Dave Matthews Band.

KEVIN COSTNER
Why the heck not?

DIRK THE BASS PLAYER
Because. There is already a band named The Dave Matthews Band.

KEVIN COSTNER
Hmmm, I don't know.

DIRK THE BASS PLAYER
No-I'm telling you, they exist.

KEVIN COSTNER
So I'll buy the name.

DIRK THE BASS PLAYER
I don’t think you understand. The Dave Matthews Band is very successful.

KEVIN COSTNER
Are they as big as Hootie and the Blowfish?

DIRK THE BASS PLAYER
MUCH bigger.

KEVIN COSTNER
There's no way they touch Hootie’s sweet sound.

DIRK THE BASS PLAYER
I don’t even know how to respond to that.

KEVIN COSTNER
Man. I really loved that name.

Kevin holds his head in his hands.

DIRK THE BASS PLAYER
Here’s an idea. How about The Kevin Costner Band?

KEVIN COSTNER
C'mon. You can't name your band after yourself.

DIRK THE BASS PLAYER
Listen to this-there's a guy named Dave Matthews in The Dave Matthews Band.

KEVIN COSTNER
You’re lying.

DIRK THE BASS PLAYER
Google it!

KEVIN COSTNER
Do you think just because I'm Kevin Costner that I have a team of scientists at my disposal?

DIRK THE BASS PLAYER
What? You have a computer right there. Ya know what, let’s just practice.

KEVIN COSTNER
What about The Allman Brothers? That's my alternate.

DIRK THE BASS PLAYER
Just please stop talking.

It's Earth Day!

Here are some things YOU can do today for Earth Day.

1. Don’t drive your car. Walk! Or, better yet- Stay in your pajamas and watch The Discovery Channel’s Planet Earth Marathon instead.
2. Don’t shower. Just keep watching the show. Congratulate yourself for the water you just conserved.
3. Go to algore.org and sign the petition that’s pushing him to run in 2008. Send it to everyone you know- especially people in Ohio that voted for Bush. Jerks.
4. Jesus, this show kills me. Excuse me? Hey, guy with the camera? Could you give that starving Polar Bear some food please? I know you have some. Just throw him half your sandwich. C’mon.
5. Plant a tree. I just did. Or something very similar to that.
6. Eat Cookies. I’m not sure why this is good for Earth. But science is behind this.
7. Do not exercise. Don’t pollute the Earth with your extra breaths of carbon dioxide. I’m not and you shouldn’t either.
8. A nap after sleeping 12 hours is NOT lazy. It’s good for you and good for Mother Earth! While napping you AREN’T driving, using electricity, wasting water, littering or polluting. Napping is something I call “passive activism.”
9. Don’t use your cell phone. Do you know that cell phones interrupt the navigation of bees preventing them from pollinating crops? Do you see problem here? Don’t even answer that crop killer. Especially his call.
10. Do you know what’s really good for the Earth? Making Out. Why? I’m not sure on this one. But making out, like creating a top ten list, is super fun and makes me happy.

I am a baseball expert

Now that it's baseball season, I have decided I am going to become a baseball expert. Here are some facts I have picked up based on watching just one game. (Part of one game.)

1. Baseball players can be black, white and other races. Like fat.
2. There are 3 sets of numbers on the screen. The first set are the scores that the judges give them. The second set are the scores that the audience give them. The third set is their "wish score."
3. I did not want to make-out with any of the baseball players.
4. A baseball game may remind you of summertime's past. Or that Seinfeld is probably on another channel.
5. There are two teams. I am almost sure of this.
6. Baseball players are sometimes referred to as "athletes." Now, I realize that is meant sarcastically.
7. This is more of a suggestion: A baseball covered in metal spikes. Think about it.
8. Announcers say things and no one (on Earth anyway) know what they are talking about.
9. All baseball players are alcoholics that beat their wives. FACT.
10. Baseball is purely a game of chance.

Missed Connections

Missed Connections
Here's is my favorite guy on Craigslist Missed connections these days:

Dear Bipolar Girl At Work - m4w

Reply to: pers-303549755@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-03-31, 12:37AM PDT


WHAT'S YOUR DEAL??!!!
I mean...one minute you're nice,
and then the next minute you're like the meanest bitch
in the world!!!

I don't get you and you know what...?
I don't CARE to get you! I don't know if you actually
get off on treating people like crap, because if you
do...I just want to know who do you think you are?
You're like some sort of freakshow or something...

Anyways, sorry for venting. Just wanted to let you
know that I'm in love with you and I hope that you're
doing okay. See you at work on Monday.

Love,
Your Biggest Fan

Oh, but wait...he had more to say…nine days later


Dear Bipolar Girl At Work Pt. 2 - m4w

Reply to: pers-308085433@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-04-08, 12:23AM PDT


Hey-
So...I received some advice telling me that maybe I
should let you know how I really feel about you. The
thing is that it's nearly impossible to tell you at
work so I guess I'll have to settle for CL.

Basically, I think that you're a very beautiful
person. Your eyes, the way you smile (when you're in a
good mood), and the way that you can be nice when you
want to be. But to be honest, when you are being a
bitch, that's when I find myself thinking about you
most. Anyways, I don't know if you have someone
special in your life but if you are looking for
someone who'll give you attention and love...I just
want to let you know that I'll be here for you