After a Silkwood style shower and multiple hand washings I still can't get the smell of chocolate and vanilla milkshake off my person. I know what you're thinking, "Kris what's the problem with smelling like heaven dipped in rainbows? Well, sugary dairy confections don't tempt me. And after tonight, I will forever associate this sickening smell with one thing- humiliation.
Occasionally on The Dish, we writers get the opportunity to do on-camera walk-ons. Most people would see this as a cool perk of the job. I liken it to a yearly pap smear- super fun, but I go into it just knowing I'm going to fuck it up.
Tonight, I had a simple task in my walk-on. I was to walk on set after the girl eating a chocolate frozen banana, say 6 words while wearing a milkshake hat, wait for the girl in a pizza costume, then we all walk off set with our not exactly a star guest star.
First let me tell you about the hat. You know those crazy plastic hats that hold beer cans and have long plastic straws so men at sporting events can have their hands free to punch babies or roofie cheerleaders? It was just like that, except instead of beer, I had two giant glasses full of chocolate and vanilla milkshake on my head. You're probably thinking, "that sounds like trouble for a girl known to run into the walls in her apartment on a regular basis." Yeah, I thought that too! But life is short and it's not like I am going to turn down an opportunity to humiliate myself on national television.
Plus, given my natural ability for physical comedy, I'm sure no matter what happens I can make it super funny!
Read that last sentence in a really sarcastic voice. Thanks.
So, first take...I walk one, take a drink from the straw, say the words- "I have milkshakes on my head," in what I imagine is a super seductive voice, but I'm pretty sure is a cross between Little Edie and Phyllis Diller. Out of nowhere, milkshake starts spewing out of the straw, all over my face, all over my shirt, all over my expensive new boots, all over the green screen...you get the point. Hilarious right? Trust me, it wasn't. Oh, I almost forgot, my back was to the camera the entire time- that's right, because I am a professional.
After some wet naps and annoyed direction to look at the camera, we were up and ready to go again. It's not like anyone viewing at home would notice the entire front of my body covered in milkshake.
And it's not like I would blow the entire second take by keeping my back to the camera again right? I mean, that would be pretty stupid and incredibly embarrassing! Did I mention humiliating yet?
"BUST!" Kris- Look STRAIGHT at the camera please. And your line is, "Two flavors Luke, chocolate and vanilla, NOT I have milkshakes on my head." (In my defense, I think my line is funnier, but at this point, there really was no saving myself.)
Rest assured, we got through it, despite my commitment to blowing every take with my complete and utter lack of awareness regarding walking, talking, breathing or standing.
Can't wait to see the show.
