Somewhere in Southern Ohio...
I don’t know if this is my birthplace’s new state motto, but after spending a few days in sleet, snow and 14 degree temperatures, I found this to be an accurate statement.
In Carrolton, Ky at the exit 62 Conoco station…
Obviously I wanted to check out The Beer Cave, but the Deliverance banjo music playing in my head compelled me to fill up and move on. But as I continued west, I couldn’t stop thinking about The Beer Cave. I imagined cases of Bush beer stacked into an igloo-like formation in the back of the store next the “Git'R Done,” beer steins and buckets of nightcrawlers. Burly men wearing Carharts and Nascar caps would crawl happily inside the dark and mysterious cave to sit huddled together chugging the watery brew.
Or, maybe the sign was misspelled and it was actually supposed to read,
“COME CHECK OUT OUR BEAR CAVE”
A Bear Cave inside a gas station was even better, but death by bear is fairly high on my list of fears. I decided it would be a great story for the Carroll County News though.
“UNKNOWN COMEDIENNE MAULED IN GAS STATION BEAR CAVE- BY BEAR”
At approximately 2:45 pm a Los Angeles based unknown comedienne/ comedy writer/occasionally employed television writer was mauled by Foxworthy the Bear, at popular local Carollton attraction- The Conoco Gas Station Bear Cave.
According to witnesses, the mauling happened too fast for anyone to act.
Foxworthy, “flipped out,” according to witness Lenny Jenkins.
“He went crazy as soon as he seen her. Like he just didn’t like the looks of her. None of us did, truth be told, but I guess Foxworthy decided to act on it.”
Foxworthy, known for his gentleness and lovable nature, attacked Ms, Kimmel upon first sight.
“Soon as I heard her screamin’ I threw down my Mountain Dew and ran right in there, but it was too late. He ate her head right off."
According to animal expert Jack Hanna, bears are not known to eat human heads. “He must have really hated this lady.” said Hanna.
Foxworthy is currently being held in custody awaiting possible death. Local residents are outraged.
Foxworthy, named after funnyman Jeff Foxworthy, is beloved by the entire town of Carrollton and even has a small cult following in Louisville.
‘He didn’t know now better, if it’s anyone’s fault it’s that dead ladies fault for gettin’ him all riled up!” says local resident Debbie Sue Cox.
Donations can be made to the “Save Foxworthy,” campaign at the exit 62 Conoco station.
And in Nashville...
As you can see, Nashville is as beautiful as you’ve heard! Here is the view from my hotel room. I insist on the finest 2- star hotels this country has to offer.
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