My Milkshake Brings all the Boys to the Yard?

After a Silkwood style shower and multiple hand washings I still can't get the smell of chocolate and vanilla milkshake off my person. I know what you're thinking, "Kris what's the problem with smelling like heaven dipped in rainbows? Well, sugary dairy confections don't tempt me. And after tonight, I will forever associate this sickening smell with one thing- humiliation.

Occasionally on The Dish, we writers get the opportunity to do on-camera walk-ons. Most people would see this as a cool perk of the job. I liken it to a yearly pap smear- super fun, but I go into it just knowing I'm going to fuck it up.

Tonight, I had a simple task in my walk-on. I was to walk on set after the girl eating a chocolate frozen banana, say 6 words while wearing a milkshake hat, wait for the girl in a pizza costume, then we all walk off set with our not exactly a star guest star.

First let me tell you about the hat. You know those crazy plastic hats that hold beer cans and have long plastic straws so men at sporting events can have their hands free to punch babies or roofie cheerleaders? It was just like that, except instead of beer, I had two giant glasses full of chocolate and vanilla milkshake on my head. You're probably thinking, "that sounds like trouble for a girl known to run into the walls in her apartment on a regular basis." Yeah, I thought that too! But life is short and it's not like I am going to turn down an opportunity to humiliate myself on national television.

Plus, given my natural ability for physical comedy, I'm sure no matter what happens I can make it super funny!

Read that last sentence in a really sarcastic voice. Thanks.

So, first take...I walk one, take a drink from the straw, say the words- "I have milkshakes on my head," in what I imagine is a super seductive voice, but I'm pretty sure is a cross between Little Edie and Phyllis Diller. Out of nowhere, milkshake starts spewing out of the straw, all over my face, all over my shirt, all over my expensive new boots, all over the green screen...you get the point. Hilarious right? Trust me, it wasn't. Oh, I almost forgot, my back was to the camera the entire time- that's right, because I am a professional.

After some wet naps and annoyed direction to look at the camera, we were up and ready to go again. It's not like anyone viewing at home would notice the entire front of my body covered in milkshake.

And it's not like I would blow the entire second take by keeping my back to the camera again right? I mean, that would be pretty stupid and incredibly embarrassing! Did I mention humiliating yet?

"BUST!" Kris- Look STRAIGHT at the camera please. And your line is, "Two flavors Luke, chocolate and vanilla, NOT I have milkshakes on my head." (In my defense, I think my line is funnier, but at this point, there really was no saving myself.)

Rest assured, we got through it, despite my commitment to blowing every take with my complete and utter lack of awareness regarding walking, talking, breathing or standing.

Can't wait to see the show.

Stop Telling Me to Swim With Dolphins

I have friends with “careers,” who go on “vacations,” therefore I am regularly assaulted with this command;

“You must swim with the dolphins Kris- it’s magical. When I held onto that dorsal fin I felt so close to God. Plus the resort had the best margaritas.”

I’m not going to swim with dolphins. I have social anxiety. I can get anxious in a group as small as three. I have trio anxiety. You can google that, but you won’t find it, I just made it up.

I rarely go to parties and when I do, I have a set list of questions I ask before I agree to attend:

Do you mind if we drive separately?
Are there multiple exits?
Is it in the valley?

I have never mastered the art of small talk. I say all the wrong things at all the wrong times, like bringing up the conflict in the Congo a little too soon after the flash of an engagement ring. Apparently there’s never a good time in light conversation to bring up genocide. Oh well, live and learn!

Dolphins are just another group of highly intelligent mammals that I have to impress. And I have to wear a bikini?

No thanks.

I would perhaps consider it, if the situation were super casual. Like if it took place in some type of naturally formed lagoon. Obviously cocktails and quesadillas are being served continuously. Then I can wade in the pleasant blue lagoon with cocktail in hand, a dolphin can leisurely swim by me, if the two of us seem to groove, some serious dolphin nuzzling can ensue. I don’t want to feel guilty about forcing dolphins into some type of performance situation.


One caveat, this open lagoon should have some sort of force field that only allows dolphins through. I am not interested in swimming with sharks. I don’t think any number of banana daiquiris will alter my judgment on that. Only dolphins can get through the force field. And white baby seals. Who doesn’t want to swim with white baby seals? They’re adorable!

I know my dolphin fantasy is controlling, but it’s nothing compared to the hellish rules and regulations one is forced to endure during an actual dolphin tour. Let me make it clear that I haven’t actually been on a guided tour with dolphins but I have been to Hearst Castle and I’m 100% certain it’s exactly the same.

Jan, my tour guide through Hearst Castle was less concerned about imparting the fascinating details of Mr. Hearst’s mansion than constantly reminding us, the obviously mentally impaired tourists to keep our “feet on the designated mats,” and “turn off those camera flashes.”

Of course my immediate reaction to her demands were to step off the designated mats and use a flash continuously. But I didn’t. Because I quickly became distracted by despising every one else on the tour.

You know how it is, there’s always that guy that’s gotta let everyone know HE knows just a little bit more about Hearst Castle than Jan. Hey buddy, we all saw Citizen Kane. Zip it!

Or there’s the lady who has to ask fifteen questions in every single room of the mansion. For some reason she just has to know even more details about
the extremely complex system for authenticating the 14th century roman tapestries hanging in the dining hall. Really? You can’t google that later? I have a life I’d like to get back to at some point. I could be back in my hotel room drinking wine and watching Rachel Maddow.

And then there’s always the one hanging in the back, ya know, too cool to be on a guided tour. Rolling their eyes at all the questions, smirking at the fanny packs. Hanging back just enough to let everyone that they aren’t a part of this gang.

That would be me by the way.


I don’t set out to be the Fonzie of the guided tour, but if someone has to play that role I suppose it may as well be me. Plus, I am usually the only one on a gorgeous day in San Simeon in a leather jacket and a white hot fury over the behavior of probably perfectly nice people.

Can you imagine that much rage inside of me cavorting with giant toothed mammals of the sea?

I would be that person that gets eaten alive by the normally docile dolphin. The dolphin guide will be interviewed by the local news and you know what she’ll say- “I never believed something like this would happen. They are such loving, gentle and sweet creatures. I can only imagine she must of done something to provoke him. Ya know, if I can be perfectly honest, she didn’t really fit well with the group.”

Introducing The Hug Me Pillow

Last night I was on Overstock.com purchasing new bedding. Look, just because I am not gainfully employed at the moment does not mean I am not going to do my part to stimulate the economy. Besides, I have to do something to offset the “Spencer’s Gifts,” theme I have somehow managed to adopt in my living room/bedroom (hint: it’s the same room). All I need is a lava lamp and a velvet Iron Maiden poster and a Claire’s Boutique is going to spontaneously sprout up next door.

While I was perusing the deals, I was horrified to come across “THE HUG ME PILLOW.”

Okay. I can support any kind of personal pleasure devices out there. I myself am a single girl in a big city that is known for attracting douche-y men from all corners of the globe. I understand that there are potentially going to be long stretches in a person's life where there may be very little human contact. Whatever gets you through the night. But this is sick. Just sick.

A one armed headless torso to provide “comfort as well as piece of mind?” (those words were taken directly from the ad, no joke.)


What kind of depraved human being came up with this? With that being said, if they ever decide to do one of those late night infomercials, I’d LOVE to write it:

Are you lonely? No, I mean are you REALLY lonely? Well wipe those sticky ice cream fingers off and grab the phone because that frown on your face is about to get a little less frownier.

Introducing the “Hug ME Pillow.”

the Hug ME Pillow is 100% NOT a real human being. That’s right! No more of those long lonely nights sleeping alone, you will now be sleeping with NOT a warm human being holding you close, but a one armed headless torso that will NEVER hug you. But you can hug the HUG me Pillow's unmoving synthetic fiber filled form whenever the urge hits you. The Hug ME Pillow is machine washable and the soft microfiber shirt is perfect for absorbing tears.


Did we mention that you are ALONE?

If you act now, we’ll throw in AT NO EXTRA CHARGE the “LIFELESS HAND”

Perfect for movies, dinner parties and those awkward family dinners!

Call within the next five minutes we’ll throw in a tuxedo for your cat.

Podcasts You Should Check Out if You Want to Be Cool

If you enjoy emotions like happiness and glee, then you're totally going to dig these podcasts.


Comedy and Everything Else- Comedy greats Jimmy Dore, Stefane Zamorano and Todd Glass deliver the goods in this hilarious and thought provoking podcast. I'm partial to episode 14 featuring the always brilliant Paul F. Tomkins (if you don't yet have his cd Impersonal, go buy it immediately, then come back because I have more podcasts to tell you about).

The Sound of Young America- Great comedians, hip new bands, authors and s bunch of other stuff you're gonna love brought to you by "America's Radio Sweetheart," Jesse Thorn.

Here are some upcoming guests. (told you so.)
Actress and comic Janeane Garofalo
Comic Tig Notaro
Comic Greg Behrendt
The Human Giant
Author and designer Chip Kidd
Comic artist Adrian Tomine
Rhett Miller of The Old 97s
Musician PWRFL Power
And many more...

Real Time With Bill Maher- Don't have HBO? Don't worry you can listen to the show instead.

Here are some more excellent free podcasts I bet you'll like-
This American Life
KCRW's Top Tune- free songs!
Slate Magazine's Daily Podcast

Want to Know About Some Cool Movies?

I thought so.

Here's a great interview from salon.com with director Mike Leigh (Secrets & Lies, Vera Drake) about his new film Happy Go Lucky (10/10). Here's the trailer.

In the same article Stephanie Zacharek gives David Koepp's "Ghost Town," kudos, referring to it as "breezy and smart." I will see any movie that's referred to as breezy. Here's the trailer.

I ran across another great piece from Zacharek on the sad state of romantic comedies. The article is from '99, but guess what? It's nearly a decade later and romantic comedies still suck.

Here's a few other movies you'll probably want to see.

John Patrick Shanley's Doubt. (It was a play first, but you probably know this because you are smart.)

Jonathon Demme's Rachel Getting Married on October 3rd.

Here's an article about upcoming indie flick Gigantic. Zooey Deschanel is in it. Need I say more?

I Miss Underoos

I miss Underoos. I think I might start wearing them again. I loved Underoos when I was a kid. I had Archie Comics Underoos and I am almost positive I had Supergirl Underoos too. Otherwise I was just running around in regular underwear with a towel tied around my neck screaming “I’m Supergirl!" And jumping on the furniture. Which is just as likely. How does Grover become SuperGrover? It only takes a dishtowel people.

I miss that magical feeling of being a Superhero. Who needs facials, manicures or painful bikini waxes? Underoos are the answer. C’mon, what oxygen breathing male isn’t going to be (1.) totally turned on and (2.) delighted by the surprise and whimsical nostalgia you're bright red and blue polyester underwear induces.

It could be a litmus test of sorts. If a guy is peeling off my jeans and goes- “Uh, what are THOSE?” I’ll know he’s too young for me and I'll exit his Silver Lake bungalow immediately with Underoo’s firmly in place. I suppose if a guy’s pulling off my jeans, I should probably be at the point of at least knowing his age. Look, I’m learning as I go. There’s no book on this people.

Just kidding, there a tons of fucking books on this! But who has time to read. I have Underoos shopping to do.

If You Think California Sucks, You Suck

Welcome to Thursday's Playlist Spectacular Fantastic. This is a new feature on the Kris Kimmel Show and certain to be a big hit with my core audience. Am I right core?

As you can see by the catchy headline of this post, this playlist is thematic in nature, so throw on your flip-flops, put the top down* and head to the beach for some California grooves.

*Convertible and computer not included.

You Might Be Too Old To Watch Gossip Girl If...

10. When Lisa Loeb sang "Stay," on tonights episode it reminded you of the Ethan Hawke obsession you had in college.
9. You have an unusual fixation with Serena and Blair's smooth and dewy skin.
8. All you keep thinking is "These kids are too gosh darn young too be f*cking so much!"
7. You really wish they would be a little more respectful of their parents
6. You can't remember guys ever being that cool in High School.
5. You are 100% certain though, that you were definitely that smokin' hot.
4. Oh, that's right you just remembered. People did f*ck that much in high school!
3. You wish they would delve more into the Lily-Rufus storyline...what is up with those PARENT'S lives already?
2. The only person you have the hots for on the show is THE DAD.

Drumroll please...

1. You are in bed soon after Gossip Girl ends writing a blog about being too old to watch Gossip Girl.

If you are not tuned in to the indulgent pleasure that is Gossip Girl, well I guess this list won't make much sense, but this clip from last weeks show might just convert you.

Free Coldplay Show

If you live in New York, you can see Coldplay for the low low price of free on June 23. If you don't live in New York, maybe you should stop listening to Coldplay. It's your choice.

There are a plethora of cool bands playing at the Hollywood Bowl this summer including Thievery Corporation, Fiest, Gnarls Barkley, Radiohead and Beck. That's right. BECK.

Back to Coldplay, for just a sec, you can go to their website RIGHT NOW and download their new single Violet Hill. I'm attempting to do this, but having some technical difficulties. I'm not sure why as I'm not even into Coldplay, but whatever, I like free stuff.

A Few More Words About Coachella and Then I'll Drop It

Check out this pic from Coachella. If you look closely, you'll notice only one dude actually had a good time. So if you didn't go, you don't have to feel bad.

For more cool pics and for full coverage of the event head to rollingstone.com. I'm pretty sure they were there and can give you a better idea of what went down than I can. I spent most of the weekend looking for an apartment in Silver Lake

Photo: Winter/Getty

I attempted to check into the event over the weekend, but I kept getting Rosanna Arquette interviewing skinny pale dudes that I didn't recognize. MGMT is probably already writing a song about her. That would make it three, which I think is some sort of record. Pattie Boyd is going to be so pissed.

So far this is my favorite clip from Coachella- Prince covering Radiohead. Feel free to send me any clips you especially dig.

This Post is for Comedy Nerds ONLY

For all you Mr. Show fans, I'm sure I don't have to tell you that the dynamic comedy duo have reunited for David's Situation. I am planning to get my act together so by the time the show airs I will have HBO. Step one in my plan is to get a television.

I absolutely know what I'm doing.

Read the recent Vanity Fair interview with Bob and David. Or David and Bob depending on how you see the world.

While enjoying the above mentioned interview, I noticed another article I thought I'd pass along. This one's about the current worrisome situation of our fish population. I didn't laugh once, but still a pretty good read.

The Kind of Girl You Wanna Bring Home to Mom!

I'm heading out to see Baby Mama in a few minutes, but not before I leave you with this great missed connection from Craigslist.

The Bands are So Great at Coachella I Almost Wish I Was Going

Coachella is this weekend. If you're going...awesome! If you've been to the festival before, you must know you are a person who thrives on huge crowds of people on ecstasy and assorted other drugs, enjoy the fiery hot burning rays of the desert sun and delight in warm beer in plastic cups.

If this is your first time in Indio, I hope you LOVE the smell of patchouli!

For the rest of us, not heading to the event we can enjoy live streams through the weekend here.

Tomorrows highlights in the AT & T Blue Room include Rogue Wave, Tegan & Sara and the Raconteurs.
Saturday check out The Bird and the Bee, Hot Chip, DeVotchka and Portishead
Sunday I'll definitely be tuning in for the Stars set.

I have to admit, part of me (the clearly insane part that has blocked out how miserable I was the last time I was there) wishes I was going. The line-up is AMAZING.

Monster Induced Insomnia

I finally saw Cloverfield last night. I screamed out loud twice and was wide awake until about 3 am, so mission accomplished.

It was so fun being scared, I didn't mind how cheesy the character names were. "Miranda Diamond," as the funny, sarcastic not quite as hot but still pretty smokin' girl. Ha ha! Did the screenwriter pull his character names from softcore porn? I couldn't help thinking the whole time I was watching it that I was in my old West Hollywood acting class. But it was fun in a cheesy, this is a pretty badly written movie sorta way.

Was it just me or were the alternate endings totally lame? Maybe I missed something. If I did, please email me immediately so that I can watch them again before I mail back the dvd.

Speaking of DVD's here are some other new releases you may want to check out.

The Savages- Phillip Seymour Hoffman AND Laura Linney. C'mon, it's a mathmatical impossiblity that you can go wrong with that combo. I gotta go put that in my queue, I'll be right back. In the meantime watch this.

Charlie Wilson's War- Um, I wanted to like it. Mike Nichols. Maybe you'll like it. I'm not saying DON'T see it. I'm just saying.....oh sorry, I think I dozed off for a second.

One Missed Call- Too scary for me.


None of them are coming to my house today because I have the entire first season of The Wire coming. People say I should watch it. And I listen to people when they tell me what to do.

This Post is Earth Friendly!

In Honor of Earth Day, I did NOT cut down any Rain Forests. I did unplug all of my appliances not currently being used. Please do the same.

For a list of other cool and easy things you can do Al Gore's site is great. Also, I found this other super cool site called Earth911 that lists places to take your electronics, paint and other kooky items you should NOT be throwing in the trash. For my lovely Angeleno's, UCLA has a great e waste program. Check it out.

Now that THAT'S out of the way, let us all relax and enjoy this killer "green," performance of Radiohead on Conan last night. The band was sorta live in that via satellite way. Thom and the band elected to forgo the flight to NYC as the carbon footprint would have been the same as driving a car for one year in London.

One more reason to love them. As if we needed it.

My Absolute Favorite Movie EVER About a Sex Doll is Now on DVD!

If you like endearing indie films and you LOVE anatomically correct sex dolls, then I've got a pic for you! Lars and the Real Girl, one of my favorite films of 2007 was released on DVD today.

Another sweet indie favorite, except for the people that hated it, Juno also hits today. I thought it was adorable. Stop being a jerk about it already.

Cloverfield doesn't come out until the 22nd. Sorry monster freaks.

Motley Crue in Hollywood Today! Well, They Were Probably Here Yesterday Too, But Now They Have a Big Announcement!

Motley Crue has big news at 4 pm!

They already made headlines earlier by being the first band to release a single through crazy popular video game Rock Band. The song, Saints of Los Angeles is the first release from their upcoming album. If you read The Dirt you know the single is not self-referential.

I have a sneaking suspicion that the Hollywood news conference is going to be a tour announcement. I am totally going! To the concert, not the conference. I have an aversion to crowds of tattooed Hepatitis B carriers. That makes going to the concert tricky. I guess that's why God invented Xanax.

You can get the announcement via the Crue fanclub for $40. Or you can pay zero dollars and check back with me as I am your one stop Crue News Network! Today anyway. Maybe I should go to the conference. I have yet to realize my girlhood dream of meeting Nikki Sixx. Think about it- me and Nikki Sixx having Jamba Juice together? Paradise.

Please enjoy some classic Motley Crue circa 1984! Back in those days a tiny version of myself slept on Holly Hobby sheets while the Crue were busy shooting up heroin, raping groupies (totally an accident!) and crashing Ferrari's.

A Funny Thing Happened on SNL...

In case you missed SNL last night, here is all you need to know.

Music to Itemize Your Deductions To

If you're anything like me, (super awesome) you've waited until the last minute to do taxes. If you are also like me, you are huddled over your laptop doing them yourself.

Because I think you are very cuddly and adorable, I am here to help!

Here are some bands to rock you through your tax woes.

Start off with Brooklyn funksters MGMT, these are the best guys to get you through the early stage monotony of W2 entry, especially if you're an artist-type person and worked 57 different jobs in 2007.

When your moving into the more complicated area of 1099's & deductions, I suggest the mellow grooves of Meredith Bragg & the Terminals.

You totally did your taxes! Celebrate with my new favorite indie happy fun time band Vampire Weekend.

I'm Just About Ready to Have That Conversation About Daniel Day Lewis

There Will Be Blood is now out on DVD! For the two of you who haven't seen this movie (yes I am one of them) feel free to add it to your Netflix queue. Now you can finally add to all those annoying pseudo-intellectual conversations about Daniel Day Lewis' "method," and Paul Thomas Anderson's "visionary genius," you had to listen to months ago.