On the Dark Side

Instead of late night partying with Paris at Hyde or hanging with Ashton at Dolce, maybe you'd like to have some real fun.

Head to the New Beverly Cinema for New Beverly Midnights!

Click HERE for more information on upcoming shows!

March 8th at midnight is the 1984 classic "Street's of Fire."

Here is the awesome trailer, and yes that is Eddie from "Eddie and the Cruisers."

Airborne woes

Yet another school teacher is embroiled in scandal, but this one doesn't involve a fifteen year old boy, but a mega- popular cold remedy. Turns out Airborne is bunk.

Fear not, it's not bad for you, it's just, well...a bunch of vitamins. Don't have your receipts? Don't worry, you can still get a refund for up to 6 bottles.

One More Reason

It was announced today that Paris Hilton will be appearing in the return one-hour episode of My Name is Earl on April 3rd.





Congratulations My Name is Earl for continuing to find new creative ways for me to avoid watching My Name is Earl.

The United States of Wal Mart

Traveling across the country is a delight. Here are some moments I captured.

Somewhere in Southern Ohio...


I don’t know if this is my birthplace’s new state motto, but after spending a few days in sleet, snow and 14 degree temperatures, I found this to be an accurate statement.



In Carrolton, Ky at the exit 62 Conoco station…


Obviously I wanted to check out The Beer Cave, but the Deliverance banjo music playing in my head compelled me to fill up and move on. But as I continued west, I couldn’t stop thinking about The Beer Cave. I imagined cases of Bush beer stacked into an igloo-like formation in the back of the store next the “Git'R Done,” beer steins and buckets of nightcrawlers. Burly men wearing Carharts and Nascar caps would crawl happily inside the dark and mysterious cave to sit huddled together chugging the watery brew.

Or, maybe the sign was misspelled and it was actually supposed to read,

“COME CHECK OUT OUR BEAR CAVE”

A Bear Cave inside a gas station was even better, but death by bear is fairly high on my list of fears. I decided it would be a great story for the Carroll County News though.

“UNKNOWN COMEDIENNE MAULED IN GAS STATION BEAR CAVE- BY BEAR”

At approximately 2:45 pm a Los Angeles based unknown comedienne/ comedy writer/occasionally employed television writer was mauled by Foxworthy the Bear, at popular local Carollton attraction- The Conoco Gas Station Bear Cave.

According to witnesses, the mauling happened too fast for anyone to act.

Foxworthy, “flipped out,” according to witness Lenny Jenkins.

“He went crazy as soon as he seen her. Like he just didn’t like the looks of her. None of us did, truth be told, but I guess Foxworthy decided to act on it.”

Foxworthy, known for his gentleness and lovable nature, attacked Ms, Kimmel upon first sight.

“Soon as I heard her screamin’ I threw down my Mountain Dew and ran right in there, but it was too late. He ate her head right off."

According to animal expert Jack Hanna, bears are not known to eat human heads. “He must have really hated this lady.” said Hanna.

Foxworthy is currently being held in custody awaiting possible death. Local residents are outraged.

Foxworthy, named after funnyman Jeff Foxworthy, is beloved by the entire town of Carrollton and even has a small cult following in Louisville.

‘He didn’t know now better, if it’s anyone’s fault it’s that dead ladies fault for gettin’ him all riled up!” says local resident Debbie Sue Cox.

Donations can be made to the “Save Foxworthy,” campaign at the exit 62 Conoco station.

And in Nashville...



As you can see, Nashville is as beautiful as you’ve heard! Here is the view from my hotel room. I insist on the finest 2- star hotels this country has to offer.

Kid Rock Pleads Not Guilty to Waffle House Fight

This is one of my favorite US Weekly headlines since well, maybe ever.

It is hard to compete with the consecutive headlines of:

Jamie Lynn Spears Announces She’s Pregnant
Lynne Spear’s Parenting Book "Delayed Indefinitely"

But this one’s pretty good too.

Of course the fight wasn’t Kid’s fault, he was just trying to have a good time and treat patrons to some delicious waffles when some local rabble-rouser had to cause trouble.

For more details on Waffle House Smackdown click here.

Here is a Bill Hicks joke about hanging out at Waffle House

I Dig Dudes in Drag!

This is what I rock out to in Ft. Smith Arkansas.



I wonder if these guys sit around and are like,

"Dude, Milton Berle was in our video."

"I know, I was there remember."

"But c'mon man, Milton Berle! Motley Crue didn't have Milton Berle in THEIR video."

"Yes, we've covered this. MANY TIMES."

"Let's watch it again."

"Maybe later, I gotta sell at least two flat screens today."

This Post Will Happen Only ONCE Every Four Years

Today is “Leap Year.” What exactly is Leap Year?

No one knows. Aside from a few scientists and dolphins, the concept is too difficult to be grasped by mere humans.
So let us instead celebrate an even better event- Tony Robbins birthday. Coincidentally, this also only occurs every four years.

My plan to celebrate Big T’s big day include leaving this two-star hotel in Nashville- thank you exit 47 FOR EVERYTHING. Next I will drive through whatever state and/or states come next until I get to what is sure to be a one or two-star hotel in Arkansas.

Yes, my life is awesome, but it doesn't mean you can't have fun. Perhaps you could run (or walk) to your local Cineplex to enjoy hottie-fest, "The Other Boleyn Girl" which opened today.

I predict the period piece to CRUSH the R- Rated Will Ferrell comedy Semi-Pro.*

Finally all that Red Carpet canoodling will pay off!





*My predictions have a 45-50% success rate.

Welcome to the Lipstick Jungle

Are your eyes open? Well odds are, you are probably looking at an advertisement for Lipstick Jungle.

I haven’t been able to check this new NBC offering yet as I have been subletting a place sans tv (despair!), ironically IN the Lipstick Jungle. I’ve been opening conversations with strangers with, “So, this is the Lipstick Jungle eh?” So far this conversation opener has a 100% success rate of annoying the other person and cracking me up.

Lipstick Jungle sounds like the name of a fake show created by fake tv executives on a another fake show I just created called “Development Diva’s.” DD's is a one hour dramedy that explores the lives of three high powered yet vulnerable tv executives who try to balance their high pressure careers, their hot boyfriends/lovers/husbands/frozen eggs and their giant Manhattan apartments full of shoes.

The Cashmere Mafia doesn’t have a chance against the DD’s!

I think I shall go to the NBC website and watch an episode of the LJ, see what my Diva's are up against.

Introducing Rex

I’ve had my first official New York City rat encounter. Rat’s are to New York, like cockroaches are to Los Angeles. Except, there are also cockroaches in NYC, so I guess that analogy doesn’t really hold up.

Rats are to New York like 27- year old actor’s that I’ve dated are to Los Angeles.

There, that’s better.

Rex, the rat that jumped into my path, was a pretty big fella, and easily could have been mistaken for a cat, skunk, possum or knock-off Dolce&Gabbana purse.

First I was startled, and let out a tiny shriek (like a girl!), but realizing the exciting New York experience I was having, I calmed myself down using a deep breathing technique that I learned from a Deepak Chopra podcast.

Upon closer inspection, Rex the rat was not nearly as cute as Ratatouille. He also proceeded to completely ignore my request for the secret to a great Bernaise sauce.

The Weightlifting Snowman

If you're not already turned on to This American Life on NPR, I highly recommend starting with this one:

Episode 323- The Super

Poor Man's Bikini Beach

I happened to catch a program the other night called, “Poor Man’s Bikini Beach,” (that’s right folks- I have cable!) I’m not sure what compelled me to leave it on this particular program, what can I say, it was late, “Ice Road Trucker’s,” wasn’t on.

Initially there were a gaggle of girls bouncing around on a makeshift stage/boxing ring in a bar I quickly surmised to be named The Sleazy Parrot or Beach Bums. The girls were all wearing a similar uniform: tiny bikini, belly ring, monster implants and the requisite lower back tattoo. The frenzied dance style suggested a need for some sort of relief that only a sticky pole in the center of the ring could offer.

The production value of the program did not sway far from the title and it was hard to follow what was happening. Maybe this was an intentional ploy to instill the viewer with the sense that they had also just been roofied.

The frenetic dancing then turned into a competition. I can only guess the girls were competing for the coveted trucker hat and possibly a case of Chlamydia.

After a short commercial break, which oddly seemed to feature some of the same girls pleading for you to call them and chat because they were lonely, the contest moved into the audience participation phase. I call this “The Mushy Banana Dance.”

During this phase of the competition, a fresh- faced tattooed girl is in the ring with a young gentleman, chosen from the audience. It’s not made clear how he was chosen, if it’s a random drawing or if cash exchanged hands.

First the young lady peels the banana, then she covers herself generously with whipped cream. Next she hands the banana to the kindly young gentleman who I suspect smells strongly of Drakkar Noir and vomit. I notice they exchange a few words over the pounding beats of dance music during the “banana pass.” Next he places the banana on her body and pushes his muscular frame into her tiny one. While I’m imagining the various date rape scenarios bound to play out in his Dad’s Escalade later, the screen goes to black. A cheesy graphic quickly comes up to inform me that this mushy banana dance is “TOO HOT FOR TV!”
As the graphic flashes on the screen I can’t help but wonder what they were saying to each other during the “Banana Hand-Off.”

What exactly is the etiquette required in that situation?

“Hi I’m Brittany.”

“Hey Brittany, wuz up, so do you care where I put the banana?”

“No way! I don’t have boundaries! I lost those when I was 12, LONG STORY.”

“This is fun eh?”

“Fun? This is for my career! You can’t just break into hardcore porn ya know. You gotta work your way up.”

Short Film Fun!

Here's something I did for you.

Support the Writer's Strike!

I know you have been wondering, What can I, Johnny Wisconsin or Jane Minnesota do to help those poor struggling writers?

Here are the answers you Wisconsinites and Minnesotans have been eagerly awaiting for!

Sign this petition!

Also watch this video-

Bird's the Word

I was enjoying a bagel sandwich in my car at the Whole Foods parking lot when I noticed a woman get into her SUV and prepare to do the same. But she was not alone, for on her shoulder was perched a magnificent white parrot.

It occurred to me as she situated herself in her luxury vehicle, that just moments before, this woman and her feathered friend were perusing the aisles of Whole Foods together.

If only I were that free!

Why couldn’t I walk through life with such a devil may care attitude that I would enter an organic grocery with an exotic animal on one shoulder and my recycled fabric tote on the other!

I’ll tell you why, it’s not the odd stares that I can’t endure, it’s the constant unending interaction with strangers that a parrot on one’s shoulder is sure to bring.

I watched as they shared a container of couscous. I envied their intimacy. Suddenly my bagel seemed too large for just one human to consume.

I felt a little sad when I saw her start the SUV and the parrot take his proper perch on the passenger headrest.

As they drove off, the woman let out a big hearty laugh. I couldn’t help but wonder, “What the fuck did that parrot just say to her?”

The King

When I watch Larry King, I’m not thinking of his hard-hitting interviewing style. What really comes to mind is how did that guy agree to get 7 women to marry him? He's no Liz Taylor.

I think it’s a testament to how many women are in really crummy living situations and need a place to stay.

"Well, I could keep crashing on my sisters couch, or there’s this Larry King guy."

"I have this toxic mold problem in my bathroom…or I guess I could marry this old dude."

Okay, I haven't been saying much lately...

But come to this show...I am going to tell a story. It will be funny.

Tongue & Groove
It's at 6pm on October 28th at the Hotel Cafe.
1623 1/2 N Cahuenga Blvd, Los Angeles, CA 90028

$5

Thank you Crazypants!

Look, she may have been a little off. Okay, fine, she was certifiable. But she was laughing at all of my jokes. Therefore, I adored her. She allowed me to walk out off that stage and deem that set, a “good set.” In the event that anyone asks, I am technically allowed to say, “I had a good set. “ Wait, “I had a great set!”

More experienced comedians may not count the laughs of a mentally unbalanced and most likely homeless person as an indicator of the strength of their material, but apparently I do. At least last night I did.

That was a tough room. I don’t mean tough in the sense that the host commented on my boobs during my introduction, or that the comedian that I had to follow came to the stage pie-eyed and proceeded to spend the next five minutes laughing at his own act. His act consisted of him saying, "I luvvv the PUSSY!!!" over and over again, between fits of laughter and coughing. I guess, “I luvvv the Pussy,” is one of those crowd- pleasing jokes that doesn’t require a punchline.

It was pretty funny actually.

When I say it was a tough room, I mean I felt unsafe. There was something in the air that can only be described as a “rape vibe.” Please don’t misunderstand; I’m not describing a room where lots of adorable rape jokes (guilty as charged!) are told. I had the sense that an actual rape could occur. Yes, I realize this would arm me with an amazing amount of new material, but I have this weird fear of rape. Call it a quirk. It’s pretty high on my list of fears, right up there with flying and musty antique stores. So, yes, last night, I was taking what I could get,

Crazypants was a breath of fresh air. She was yucking it up through my entire set. It was beautiful. Granted, she was also laughing when people were approaching the mic and exiting the stage, but so what! Laughing is laughing. I’m not going to split hairs about this.

Greenspan's Reefer Madness!

Alan Greenspan knows all about the depression because he lived it! HE talks about it in his new captivating book!


Al, as I like to call him, who was our Federal Reserve Chairman for X number of years has a new book out “The Age of Turbulence.” I’m sure you are currently tearing through this riveting page turner, feel free to give me the highlights, I keep forgetting to pick up copy.

He was promoting his new book on NPR the other day and he was talking about being in a Jazz band as a young whippersnapper. Apparently some of the band members enjoyed the kind herb, but not Al.

“Not me, oh no, I never even smoked a cigarette. But even to this day, I can still smell a marijuana cigarette from 50 yards away!”

Um…Alan, I think pretty much, all of us can.

Billboards, Killers & Pie

She’s the Agent, he’s the Secret.

Well the secret’s out- Chuck is unwatchable.

Did I get a screener because I am a showbiz insider? Nope. I have an uncanny ability to gauge the watchability of a show, based on viewing a few seconds of a promo and seeing a few billboards.

Or in the case of CHUCK, a few thousand billboards.

In other news, do my neighbors EVER STOP washing clothes? The incessant spin cycle is INSUFFERABLE. I am fairly certain based on the newspaper covering all of their windows that the constant spin cycle is connected to a need to wash the bloody clothes of their victims before they dismember them and stuff their parts into the freezer.

I should bake them a pie.

This fella “Chuck,” who works for the “Nerd Herd.” Which is a clever play on Best Buy’s “Geek Squad.” Please. I’ve never seen a guy that good looking even shopping at a Best Buy.

If your eyes happen to accidentally fall on a billboard that isn’t Chuck, you can rest assured, it’s for this great new reality show, KID NATION.


Children live without any parental supervision for 40 days- children as young as 8.
The parents actually had to sign a waiver that released the show from any responsibility if their kids died.

The billboard reads...

"I CAN’T BELIEVE WE’RE ABOUT TO DO THIS!"

I guess they ran out of room on the ads because it should read... “"I CAN’T BELIEVE WE’RE ABOUT TO DO THIS...TO OUR CHILDREN!”

The Ellen billboards though are the most annoying, “I watch Ellen because she’s my BFF.”

This woman in Wisconsin actually believes she’s best friends with Ellen Degeneres and how does the Ellen show respond to her delusional thinking? They reward it by putting her giant crazy head on a billboard.

That’s irresponsible and sick if you ask me. It seems pretty low to stoop to get new viewers, taking advantage of the mentally ill.

Plus her giant crazy face scares me. She’s grinning menacingly over all of us on LaBrea and Melrose. That’s not pleasant.

Donut Burgers Coming to a Menu Near YOU!

I saw a link for an article online the other day...

Donut Burger's Coming to a Menu Near YOU!

It seems that some restaurants are now offering a
hamburger that uses two donuts for a bun.
Finally! This is what America needs!
Below that link there was another link...

Consider a RAW FOOD DIET Instead.

I'm thinking anyone clicking on the story about
cow meat sandwiched between two glazed donuts,
is nowhere near considering a raw food diet.

Here's an idea, how about, Consider a REGULAR BUN.
Although I am a very busy and important person, I managed to squeeze in a moment to type "donut burger," into youtube and see what came up.

Nude Cooking Talk Show.

JACKPOT!

But when I began to watch the Nude Cooking Talk Show, it was just as boring as people cooking with their clothes on while being filmed. I know this seems impossible – they're NAKED - but trust me on this. If you doubt me, watch a few moments. You will soon go, "Kris was totally right on about that!"

Here is the link just in case you want to be bored out of your mind.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=REOSAbCfXp4

The only moment of interest for me came about midway through when the NUDE CHEF LADY said to the NUDE PAL OR NEIGHBOR LADY…

"When people find out I'm a nude chef, the NUMBER 1
question I get asked is, "What do you do when
you fry bacon?"

WHAT?

You tell people you are a NUDE CHEF
and that's the NUMBER ONE QUESTION you get asked?

Because that's not the first thing that pops into my
head. I would have so many other questions before
bacon frying would even be on the table. Let's start
with the big one:

WHY CAN I SEE YOUR VAGINA RIGHT NOW?