Seriously You Guys....

Today, my brilliant pal Rob Delaney posted this moving piece on the importance of protecting the Affordable Care Act. As the mother of the twin preemies he mentions, I can attest that had we not had insurance coverage, we would've been hit with medical bills totaling nearly a million dollars. I'm not exaggerating, my husband and I added it up and it's literally ONE MILLION DOLLARS. Imagine how many houses we could buy with that money. At least one in LA! 

We are fortunate to have fairly decent (and wildly expensive) insurance, but a few years ago, I wasn't so lucky. In 2005, I suffered a debilitating seizure that left me unable to work for over a year. My shoddy but cheap HMO plan often didn't cover the many various doctors I needed to see or the necessary treatments. Other times, I was made to wait weeks, while in horrible pain, waiting for authorizations. Unable to work, I lost my apartment and I found myself trying to heal while living on a friend’s couch- depressed, scared and riddled with debt. As the bills piled up, I had no other option but to declare bankruptcy. In case you missed that, I had insurance and I still had to declare bankruptcy.

Things did get better. I got better. I will always deal with my "pre-existing condition," but I have a great support system including a shiny new husband that I'm super into and our two previously mentioned former preemies who stole my sleep but rip my heart to shreds on a daily basis.

Remember when you vote next week how vitally important it is that we protect the principals of the Affordable Care Act- keeping costs lowered, guaranteeing choice and making sure ALL Americans have access to quality care- not just rich white dudes.

*That's me in my best vest back in 2009 speaking to City Hall in support of the Affordable Care Act. Man I wish I knew what happened to that vest.

NICE TITS

I was strolling down Robertson the other day, high from the purchase of some overpriced t-shirts, when a fascinating thing occurred. As I passed a lil’ ol’ black man, he remarked loudly in my direction- “Nice tits.”  His tone was not, “Hey, thanks for bringing your boobs out on this sunny Sunday afternoon, allow me to acknowledge their loveliness with a well-timed compliment.” No - when he said, “Nice tits,” my first thought was, “Why is he mad at me?” He didn’t say the words so much as he growled them. I can only assume that he actually hates nice tits. Maybe a nice tit was mean to him when he was a child, or maybe a nice tit broke his heart in college. It’s not for me to say.

As shocking as his overt anger at my rack was, I was less surprised by his tone than the actual sentiment. Being an A Cup for most of my life, I’ve never had to deal with unwarranted (or even totally warranted) breast attention. I can count on zero fingers the amount of times I’ve had to say, “My eyes are up here.” If a man ever had a hard time maintaining eye contact with me, I was either talking about my feelings or a large-breasted woman was walking by.

But since giving birth eight weeks ago, I suddenly have boobs.* And not just any old boobs- big, juicy, D-Cup boobs. I haven’t taken them out on the town much, since nursing newborn twins means my boobs and I rarely see the light of day. On the off-chance I do leave the house, I’m generally wearing a combination of pajamas and old ratty t-shirts in a look that can only be described as “boner killing chic.” Just ask my husband.

So this particular stroll down Robertson was something special- a rare couple of hours out of the house with clean hair and eyeliner. I wasn’t crying, leaking breast milk or unintentionally peeing. You can imagine, then, how it felt to have this curmudgeonly old man growl, “Nice tits” at me.

It felt fucking great.

*the boobs pictured are not mine.

How to Be a Terrible Wife

Endless articles exist on how to move through reproductive challenges gracefully, but what about if you prefer the path of most resistance? Here are some of my own helpful tips.

1. Put a urine spattered ovulation test stick in your husband’s hand, point to the bedroom and say, “It better fucking work this time.”

2. Buy a fertility book called “Making Babies,” then read it to your husband every night in bed wearing sensible cotton underwear.

3. When your husband makes his third coffee stop of the day give him the most judgey face you can muster and snap- “Fine, then you can pay for the IVF!”

4. Cry when you see a pregnant woman, cry when you see a baby, cry when you see your reflection in the mirror, cry when you see anything with your eyes.

5. Go on an extreme “PH fertility diet,” that restricts you from eating all of the foods you love, but make sure you do it at the same time you go off your anti-depressants.

What to Expect When You’re NOT Expecting

If you are trying to conceive and it’s just not happening as fast as you expected, as in RIGHT NOW DAMMIT! I’ve put together this helpful list of Do’s and Don’ts. It won’t get you pregnant, but it may help you out along the way.

DON’T Commit a Senseless Act of Violence

If you see a pregnant woman strolling around the Farmer’s Market on a Sunday morning* with her well behaved toddler on one arm and her ruggedly handsome husband on the other- do not throw hot coffee in her face. No matter how much you want to. You will be arrested.

*You will see a pregnant woman at the Farmer’s Market. 100% of the women that attend Farmer’s Markets are pregnant. Even the 60 year- old lady that sells rhubarb jam has a baby bump.

DO Use Your Vivid Imagination

When you come face to face with the blinding glow that is the pregnant woman, don’t let it get you down. Instead use this as an opportunity for introspection. In my moments of introspection, said pregnant woman is afflicted with chronic halitosis, a very unfortunate looking vagina or a husband with a penchant for hairless Asian men. This always makes things seem a little brighter.

DON’T Bring Up Cervical Mucus in Casual Conversation

Unless you are talking to your OB/GYN, your fertility specialist or your friend that’s a nurse, no human being- including and especially your husband wants to hear the words “cervical mucus,” escape your lips. I don’t care how awesome your cervical mucus is.

DO Scream at Your Zucchini

Unlike pregnant women at the Farmer’s Market, the zucchini in your garden don’t have feelings. So feel free to unleash all your rage and frustration at these blatantly fertile vegetables. It’s about time someone took down those obnoxiously fruit bearing plants.

If you don’t have a garden, your local grocery store’s produce department will do.

DON’T Blame Yourself

Maybe you experimented with recreational drugs in your early 20’s, wasted your most fertile years in dead end relationships, or chain smoked your way through college. Perhaps you did none of this or, like me, all of this and more.

There’s no point dwelling in the past and ruminating over former bad choices. Why not take all those feelings of negativity and self blame and place them directly where they belong- on your parents. It’s fine, they’re used to it.

DO Relax About People Telling You To “Relax”

I don’t care if this person is your best friend, your OB/GYN or you grandmother when they utter the phrase “You know, you just need to relax about this,” it may invoke a feeling very opposite of relaxation and more closely aligned with committing an act of physical violence.

As much as you may want to punch your BFF, she’s really just trying to help. Instead, seek out and confide in that one friend who gets you, who gets this (maybe because she’s been through it too) and who can make a kick ass Margarita.

Won't You Follow Me on Twitter?

All my tweets are personal AND disgusting.

Check it out!

@KristineAKimmel

Last Dish Effort

Sadly, the Dish has been canceled. I think it had something to do with zero advertising and no one having the cable channel it aired on. But it's hard to say. Here are some of my last jokes that didn't make it to air, but hold a special place in my heart.


Lady Gaga admits that she writes most of her songs while high on weed. So that’s why so many of her songs are about Ranch Doritos.

Dancing with the Stars pro Maksim Chermokovsky revealed he’s very gentle with his partner Kirstie Alley. It’s true; he hasn’t dropped her one time. He also hasn’t lifted her one time.

Stevie Nicks lashed out when asked about rumors that Lindsay Lohan wants to portray the singer on film and said, “she needs to stop doing drugs and get a grip.” Stevie then sprinkled gold dust into the air and flew away bareback on a purple unicorn.

US Weekly reports that Justin Timberlake cheated on Jessica Biel with actress Olivia Munn after they met at a Myspace event. I find that hard to believe-- Myspace is still a company?

Charlie Sheen admitted to Life and Style Magazine that, "I’m Losing My Mind.” Oh wait, Charlie just found his mind; it was misplaced under a big pile of cocaine. It’s always the last place you look!

The Discovery Channel announced that there will be no season two for Sarah Palin’s Alaska. Great now what am I supposed to watch with my friend that’s a moron?

Dancing With the Stars Maksim Chmerkovskiy is set to star on the Ukranian version of The Bachelor. I can’t wait to hear Maksim say, “Will you accept this healthy egg producing chicken?”

Lady Gaga’s new perfume has a name- MONSTER! It’s a fine blend of patchouli, jasmine and that glitter that gets stuck in your butt crack.

Victoria Beckam reveals that inside of her there is a gay man trying to get out. I always suspected, I mean David’s hair is ALWAYS perfect.

I can’t wait for Paris Hilton and Charlie Sheen ex- Brooke Mueller’s new reality show. It’s going to be just like Cagney and Lacey except instead of solving a new crime every week, they commit one.

First-time parents Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon had a surprisingly low-key baby shower in Beverly Hills this week. It’s true; I was there and can verify that the unicorns were dressed in classy yet understated tuxedos.

Julianne Hough reveals that Ryan Secret is a really romantic guy who fills her car with flowers. Poor Julianne, she has no idea this is all for his new E! reality show, “Filling Cars With Flowers with Ryan Secrest.”

There will be no season two for Sarah Palin’s Alaska. Great now what am I supposed to watch with that friend I have that’s a moron?

Yahoo's "Trending Now."

Okay, on yahoo's homepage, they have a section in the upper right hand corner called Trending Now, which I have copy pasted into my blog for obvious reasons.

TRENDING NOW

1. Spaghetti Tacos
2. Christina Ricci
3. Robert Downey Jr.
4. Cadillac SRX
5. Toni Braxton
6. Sylvia Plath
7. Lily Allen
8. Consumer Credit
9. Arizona Tornado
10. Back-to-School S…



I am just glad that Sylvia Plath will never find out that she is less relevant than spaghetti tacos.

Silly Words Strung Together aka Jokes Not on the Show

Yes this is James Franco on the cover of Candy magazine, the first ever fashion mag to celebrate transvestism, transexuality, cross dressing and androgyny. Go ahead and keep trying to make me not wanna make out with you Franco, I will not break!

It’s confirmed, The Real Housewives of Miami is the next series in the popular franchise. Hey Bravo, are you ever going to give us a Real Housewives of Folsom Prison? Or are you just going to ignore my letters? Because I WILL keep sending them…I have so many stamps.

Returning Bachelor Brad Womack covers this week’s People and reveals that taking another crack of love on the Bachelor feels like a risky venture. But it’s amazing how many risks you are willing to take after a few months as an assistant manager of Artie’s Mattress Warehouse.

Raising Sextuplets dad Bryan Masche was arrested for resisting arrest, disorderly conduct and threatening domestic violence.
He only did it because he heard in prison you get to sleep all the time and make the sweet sweet kind of love that doesn’t make babies.

Jennifer McCarthy revealed to her pal Oprah that the reason her relationship ended with Jim Carrey was that it stopped being fun. You know how it is, when the motorboating ends, so does the fun.

There are rumors that Snooki was hospitalized for alcohol poisoning. As much as it turns on the gentleman, that girl has got to stop guzzling her own body weight in tequila!

Bling Ring member and Pretty Wild Star Alexis Neiers is writing a book. Ooh, I bet she’s writing a book about trickle down economics, which as I understand happens when a teenaged hooligan breaks into celebrities homes and then get her own reality show. There is also a possibility that I don’t know what trickle down economics are.

The Octomom’s sold her old bras and bikinis at a yard sale and offered to take photos with people for $10. And for $20, she’ll take a photo with you AND carry your baby to term.

Katy Perry is set to appear on a special Christmas episode of The Simpsons. She is going to play the Ghost of Christmas Boobs

Lady Gaga wore this ass- less sparkly jumpsuit at an LA tribute concert for John Lennon. Oh yeah, remember that song, “All we are saying is give ASS a chance.”




Katy Perry Celebrated her Bachelorette Party in Vegas with Rihanna.
Russell Brand showed up wasted, got naked and demanded everyone eat cake off his penis, oh, not because it was Katy’s party, because it was Tuesday.

Jersey Shores JWoww has accepted a $400,000 offer from Playboy to take it all off. Update, Playboy called back and offered her $500,000 to keep some of it on.

David Hasselhoff is humiliated that he was the first dancer voted off Dancing With the Stars. Oh, no…I smell a shame spiral coming and it smells a lot like vodka and cheeseburgers

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton came under fire for the hair clip she wore to a UN meeting this week. I wish she would spend less time knowing stuff and more time focusing on her appearance, I mean c’mon, it works for Sarah Palin.

These Jokes Are Not Fit For TV

I think it’s pretty obvious Katy Perry is trying to corner the market on people who love cotton candy and hate good music.


Lady Gaga covers the new issue of Vogue Japan covered in raw meat. Remind me not to order the kobe beef if I ever go to Japan.

Victoria Beckam reveals that inside of her there is a gay man trying to get out. I always suspected, I mean David’s hair is ALWAYS perfect.

Paris Hilton and Charlie Sheen’s ex Brooke Mueller have paired for a new reality show. It’s going to be just like Cagney and Lacey except instead of solving a new crime every week, they commit one.

My New Hobby

I have a new hobby.

You might have heard of it- high priced dental work.

It’s so crazy because I wasn’t even looking for a new hobby.

You might be wondering why I chose such an expensive hobby. You might even suggest something less cost prohibitive like collecting conflict diamonds.

Look, I want to support genocide as much as the next person. But does this hobby come with the added bonus of long stretches of dull aching pain in the mouth region only broken up with pain that is excruciating?

Will collecting conflict diamonds have the added benefit of being virtually resistant to all pain relievers including but not limited to Advil by the handful, Vicodin, Percocet and/or red wine?

Because that’s what I’m into right now.

It started with a cracked molar caused by intense clenching at night. It turns out that recurrent nightmare I've been having for years about the mouthful of broken teeth is actually a dream come true.

For those of you who are fortunate enough to sleep peacefully and by peacefully I mean busted up teeth are not part of the experience, you won’t know that the procedure for a cracked molar is a crown.

When my dentist told me, I was like, “But crowns are for old people.”

He was like, “I know right!” And then he high- fived me and rode off on his skateboard.

Now if you think this is where this story ends, apparently it doesn't because I am still writing words down. For some people, a crown creates bigger problems, because of "deep cavity blah blah bacteria big dentist words," and then those people have to get a root canal.

But wait, root canals are for really really old people!!

My dentist, while using some barbaric metal tool to extract the contents of my favorite tooth,

---by the way, you really never know it’s your favorite tooth until you are faced with having it’s insides scooped out with a pointy metal weapon that should only be found in a serial killers basement slash torture chamber--

Wait where was I? Oh yes, my dentist, holding said weapon in hand, suggested a brand new top of the line night guard that he called an NTI . I have no idea what it stands for, Maybe “No Teeth Injured?” "None of This is Insured," is my best guess.

I was fairly sure my insurance wouldn’t cover this NTI, and based on my last two night guards, I was pretty sure I wouldn’t wear it. So I was thinking of going with no. But when a bald dentist is standing over your vulnerable beloved tooth with a sharp metal hook in his hand and images of Marathon Man are flashing through your head, it’s difficult to say no.

So now I am crowned, root canal-ed and NTI'd and I am hoping I can move on to a hobby of my choice…

Here are my Top Ten Ideas For New Hobbies

1. Discover the secret to not doing any actual work at work. Share it with no one
2. Be a best selling novelist purely based on my vague ideas for best selling novels
3. Be fluent in four to seven languages through osmosis
4. Discover a cure for my occasional adult onset acne
5. Oh, I guess I should cure world hunger, cancer and AIDS first
6. Open a school in a third world country like Oprah did and name it after myself. When I go there all the little children have to bow to me because c’mon, they owe me at least that
7. Became a person who has the power to make laws and then immediately outlaw skinny jeans and Fox News
8. Still not read EAT PRAY LOVE
9. Send a moving thank you letter to the human who came up with the idea for Baked Doritos

Okay, I guess nine is all I have in me.

How Did These Jokes NOT Make the Show?

Heidi Montag is reportedly in talks to release her rumored sex tape. So if you are a guy who loves porn but hates getting boners, this is the tape for you!

The entire Real Housewives of New Jersey cast have been banned from the New Jersey Country Club in Wayne, N.J. They are always welcome though at another popular New Jersey club- Donny’s Waterslide Park and Waterbed Emporium.

According to Lindsay Lohan’s doctors in rehab, she was misdiagnosed with having ADHD and wrongly prescribed Adderal. Apparently all this time, she’s just had a case of the stupids.

Joke Party USA

Okay, so it's not really a party, more of a small get together with a few close friends. I've decided to begin a new segment called, "My favorite Jokes This Week That Didn't Make it Into the Show."


A few new Mel Gibson tapes have surfaced and in one of them he dropped 25 F-Bombs in two minutes. He could’ve said the F word a few more times, but then he wouldn't have been able to work in “Murder,” “Shovel,” and “Rarrrrrrrhhhhh!”



Star Magazine is releasing eight never before seen photos of Angelina Jolie and in one she apparently has black tape over her nipples and a dog leash around her neck. I love how Star acts like some old photos from Angelina’s Sweet Sixteen party are news.


People magazine has this exclusive: (pop) “At Home With the Cast of Jersey Shore.”
When the cameras aren’t rolling their favorite things to do are sleep in, read the paper, and wipe the vomit off the walls.

Now that's more like it...

Finally a Democrat with some teeth!

Democratic congressman Anthony Weiner ripped Republicans in an almost two minute rant for opposing the James Zadroga 9/11 Health and Compensation Act.

I don't have anything funny to say about it, I just think it's awesome.

My Milkshake Brings all the Boys to the Yard?

After a Silkwood style shower and multiple hand washings I still can't get the smell of chocolate and vanilla milkshake off my person. I know what you're thinking, "Kris what's the problem with smelling like heaven dipped in rainbows? Well, sugary dairy confections don't tempt me. And after tonight, I will forever associate this sickening smell with one thing- humiliation.

Occasionally on The Dish, we writers get the opportunity to do on-camera walk-ons. Most people would see this as a cool perk of the job. I liken it to a yearly pap smear- super fun, but I go into it just knowing I'm going to fuck it up.

Tonight, I had a simple task in my walk-on. I was to walk on set after the girl eating a chocolate frozen banana, say 6 words while wearing a milkshake hat, wait for the girl in a pizza costume, then we all walk off set with our not exactly a star guest star.

First let me tell you about the hat. You know those crazy plastic hats that hold beer cans and have long plastic straws so men at sporting events can have their hands free to punch babies or roofie cheerleaders? It was just like that, except instead of beer, I had two giant glasses full of chocolate and vanilla milkshake on my head. You're probably thinking, "that sounds like trouble for a girl known to run into the walls in her apartment on a regular basis." Yeah, I thought that too! But life is short and it's not like I am going to turn down an opportunity to humiliate myself on national television.

Plus, given my natural ability for physical comedy, I'm sure no matter what happens I can make it super funny!

Read that last sentence in a really sarcastic voice. Thanks.

So, first take...I walk one, take a drink from the straw, say the words- "I have milkshakes on my head," in what I imagine is a super seductive voice, but I'm pretty sure is a cross between Little Edie and Phyllis Diller. Out of nowhere, milkshake starts spewing out of the straw, all over my face, all over my shirt, all over my expensive new boots, all over the green screen...you get the point. Hilarious right? Trust me, it wasn't. Oh, I almost forgot, my back was to the camera the entire time- that's right, because I am a professional.

After some wet naps and annoyed direction to look at the camera, we were up and ready to go again. It's not like anyone viewing at home would notice the entire front of my body covered in milkshake.

And it's not like I would blow the entire second take by keeping my back to the camera again right? I mean, that would be pretty stupid and incredibly embarrassing! Did I mention humiliating yet?

"BUST!" Kris- Look STRAIGHT at the camera please. And your line is, "Two flavors Luke, chocolate and vanilla, NOT I have milkshakes on my head." (In my defense, I think my line is funnier, but at this point, there really was no saving myself.)

Rest assured, we got through it, despite my commitment to blowing every take with my complete and utter lack of awareness regarding walking, talking, breathing or standing.

Can't wait to see the show.

Stop Telling Me to Swim With Dolphins

I have friends with “careers,” who go on “vacations,” therefore I am regularly assaulted with this command;

“You must swim with the dolphins Kris- it’s magical. When I held onto that dorsal fin I felt so close to God. Plus the resort had the best margaritas.”

I’m not going to swim with dolphins. I have social anxiety. I can get anxious in a group as small as three. I have trio anxiety. You can google that, but you won’t find it, I just made it up.

I rarely go to parties and when I do, I have a set list of questions I ask before I agree to attend:

Do you mind if we drive separately?
Are there multiple exits?
Is it in the valley?

I have never mastered the art of small talk. I say all the wrong things at all the wrong times, like bringing up the conflict in the Congo a little too soon after the flash of an engagement ring. Apparently there’s never a good time in light conversation to bring up genocide. Oh well, live and learn!

Dolphins are just another group of highly intelligent mammals that I have to impress. And I have to wear a bikini?

No thanks.

I would perhaps consider it, if the situation were super casual. Like if it took place in some type of naturally formed lagoon. Obviously cocktails and quesadillas are being served continuously. Then I can wade in the pleasant blue lagoon with cocktail in hand, a dolphin can leisurely swim by me, if the two of us seem to groove, some serious dolphin nuzzling can ensue. I don’t want to feel guilty about forcing dolphins into some type of performance situation.


One caveat, this open lagoon should have some sort of force field that only allows dolphins through. I am not interested in swimming with sharks. I don’t think any number of banana daiquiris will alter my judgment on that. Only dolphins can get through the force field. And white baby seals. Who doesn’t want to swim with white baby seals? They’re adorable!

I know my dolphin fantasy is controlling, but it’s nothing compared to the hellish rules and regulations one is forced to endure during an actual dolphin tour. Let me make it clear that I haven’t actually been on a guided tour with dolphins but I have been to Hearst Castle and I’m 100% certain it’s exactly the same.

Jan, my tour guide through Hearst Castle was less concerned about imparting the fascinating details of Mr. Hearst’s mansion than constantly reminding us, the obviously mentally impaired tourists to keep our “feet on the designated mats,” and “turn off those camera flashes.”

Of course my immediate reaction to her demands were to step off the designated mats and use a flash continuously. But I didn’t. Because I quickly became distracted by despising every one else on the tour.

You know how it is, there’s always that guy that’s gotta let everyone know HE knows just a little bit more about Hearst Castle than Jan. Hey buddy, we all saw Citizen Kane. Zip it!

Or there’s the lady who has to ask fifteen questions in every single room of the mansion. For some reason she just has to know even more details about
the extremely complex system for authenticating the 14th century roman tapestries hanging in the dining hall. Really? You can’t google that later? I have a life I’d like to get back to at some point. I could be back in my hotel room drinking wine and watching Rachel Maddow.

And then there’s always the one hanging in the back, ya know, too cool to be on a guided tour. Rolling their eyes at all the questions, smirking at the fanny packs. Hanging back just enough to let everyone that they aren’t a part of this gang.

That would be me by the way.


I don’t set out to be the Fonzie of the guided tour, but if someone has to play that role I suppose it may as well be me. Plus, I am usually the only one on a gorgeous day in San Simeon in a leather jacket and a white hot fury over the behavior of probably perfectly nice people.

Can you imagine that much rage inside of me cavorting with giant toothed mammals of the sea?

I would be that person that gets eaten alive by the normally docile dolphin. The dolphin guide will be interviewed by the local news and you know what she’ll say- “I never believed something like this would happen. They are such loving, gentle and sweet creatures. I can only imagine she must of done something to provoke him. Ya know, if I can be perfectly honest, she didn’t really fit well with the group.”

Introducing The Hug Me Pillow

Last night I was on Overstock.com purchasing new bedding. Look, just because I am not gainfully employed at the moment does not mean I am not going to do my part to stimulate the economy. Besides, I have to do something to offset the “Spencer’s Gifts,” theme I have somehow managed to adopt in my living room/bedroom (hint: it’s the same room). All I need is a lava lamp and a velvet Iron Maiden poster and a Claire’s Boutique is going to spontaneously sprout up next door.

While I was perusing the deals, I was horrified to come across “THE HUG ME PILLOW.”

Okay. I can support any kind of personal pleasure devices out there. I myself am a single girl in a big city that is known for attracting douche-y men from all corners of the globe. I understand that there are potentially going to be long stretches in a person's life where there may be very little human contact. Whatever gets you through the night. But this is sick. Just sick.

A one armed headless torso to provide “comfort as well as piece of mind?” (those words were taken directly from the ad, no joke.)


What kind of depraved human being came up with this? With that being said, if they ever decide to do one of those late night infomercials, I’d LOVE to write it:

Are you lonely? No, I mean are you REALLY lonely? Well wipe those sticky ice cream fingers off and grab the phone because that frown on your face is about to get a little less frownier.

Introducing the “Hug ME Pillow.”

the Hug ME Pillow is 100% NOT a real human being. That’s right! No more of those long lonely nights sleeping alone, you will now be sleeping with NOT a warm human being holding you close, but a one armed headless torso that will NEVER hug you. But you can hug the HUG me Pillow's unmoving synthetic fiber filled form whenever the urge hits you. The Hug ME Pillow is machine washable and the soft microfiber shirt is perfect for absorbing tears.


Did we mention that you are ALONE?

If you act now, we’ll throw in AT NO EXTRA CHARGE the “LIFELESS HAND”

Perfect for movies, dinner parties and those awkward family dinners!

Call within the next five minutes we’ll throw in a tuxedo for your cat.

Podcasts You Should Check Out if You Want to Be Cool

If you enjoy emotions like happiness and glee, then you're totally going to dig these podcasts.


Comedy and Everything Else- Comedy greats Jimmy Dore, Stefane Zamorano and Todd Glass deliver the goods in this hilarious and thought provoking podcast. I'm partial to episode 14 featuring the always brilliant Paul F. Tomkins (if you don't yet have his cd Impersonal, go buy it immediately, then come back because I have more podcasts to tell you about).

The Sound of Young America- Great comedians, hip new bands, authors and s bunch of other stuff you're gonna love brought to you by "America's Radio Sweetheart," Jesse Thorn.

Here are some upcoming guests. (told you so.)
Actress and comic Janeane Garofalo
Comic Tig Notaro
Comic Greg Behrendt
The Human Giant
Author and designer Chip Kidd
Comic artist Adrian Tomine
Rhett Miller of The Old 97s
Musician PWRFL Power
And many more...

Real Time With Bill Maher- Don't have HBO? Don't worry you can listen to the show instead.

Here are some more excellent free podcasts I bet you'll like-
This American Life
KCRW's Top Tune- free songs!
Slate Magazine's Daily Podcast

Want to Know About Some Cool Movies?

I thought so.

Here's a great interview from salon.com with director Mike Leigh (Secrets & Lies, Vera Drake) about his new film Happy Go Lucky (10/10). Here's the trailer.

In the same article Stephanie Zacharek gives David Koepp's "Ghost Town," kudos, referring to it as "breezy and smart." I will see any movie that's referred to as breezy. Here's the trailer.

I ran across another great piece from Zacharek on the sad state of romantic comedies. The article is from '99, but guess what? It's nearly a decade later and romantic comedies still suck.

Here's a few other movies you'll probably want to see.

John Patrick Shanley's Doubt. (It was a play first, but you probably know this because you are smart.)

Jonathon Demme's Rachel Getting Married on October 3rd.

Here's an article about upcoming indie flick Gigantic. Zooey Deschanel is in it. Need I say more?

I Miss Underoos

I miss Underoos. I think I might start wearing them again. I loved Underoos when I was a kid. I had Archie Comics Underoos and I am almost positive I had Supergirl Underoos too. Otherwise I was just running around in regular underwear with a towel tied around my neck screaming “I’m Supergirl!" And jumping on the furniture. Which is just as likely. How does Grover become SuperGrover? It only takes a dishtowel people.

I miss that magical feeling of being a Superhero. Who needs facials, manicures or painful bikini waxes? Underoos are the answer. C’mon, what oxygen breathing male isn’t going to be (1.) totally turned on and (2.) delighted by the surprise and whimsical nostalgia you're bright red and blue polyester underwear induces.

It could be a litmus test of sorts. If a guy is peeling off my jeans and goes- “Uh, what are THOSE?” I’ll know he’s too young for me and I'll exit his Silver Lake bungalow immediately with Underoo’s firmly in place. I suppose if a guy’s pulling off my jeans, I should probably be at the point of at least knowing his age. Look, I’m learning as I go. There’s no book on this people.

Just kidding, there a tons of fucking books on this! But who has time to read. I have Underoos shopping to do.

If You Think California Sucks, You Suck

Welcome to Thursday's Playlist Spectacular Fantastic. This is a new feature on the Kris Kimmel Show and certain to be a big hit with my core audience. Am I right core?

As you can see by the catchy headline of this post, this playlist is thematic in nature, so throw on your flip-flops, put the top down* and head to the beach for some California grooves.

*Convertible and computer not included.