Pit Bull Fears

Things That Terrify Sally and/or Cause Her to Bark Incessantly

We've been going through a tough time with our dog lately, and by lately I mean the last four and a half years. But recently things intensified to a level in which the grown ups in the house are having serious talks about re-homing. As the demand is pretty much non-existent for pit-bull mixes with fear and aggression issues, we figure we need to get her (us) some help no matter what the outcome. We made this list for the trainer we hire and although I'm sure I forgot a bunch of stuff, it's a good starting point.

"I'm so scared of you taking this picture."

Other dogs

Strangers

Gardeners

People

People who are scared of our dog

Little toddlers who are scared of our dog

People who are not scared of our dog, who knock on our door

Anyone who knocks on our door

We scare our dog

Direct eye contact

Petting on the head

Too much petting in general

Getting a bath

Going outside in the rain

Staying inside, but can still hear the rain

Thunder and lightning

Fireworks

The vet

The parking lot of the vet

Halloween decorations

The doorbell ringing

The doorbell ringing on TV Shows

Car rides

Shadows during walks

Deer, squirrels, skunks, the entire animal kingdom within a five mile radius

The ocean

Our nanny's five- year old daughter

My Mom (sometimes)

My Dad (sometimes)

Other peoples moms and dads

Being left alone in the house

Being left alone outside the house

When the kids go to preschool

Her crate

Sleeping by herself

Breaking Sexist Toy Updates!

Earlier this month I wrote what some said was a "riveting," "daring," and "Hemingwayesque," essay  for The Establishment on the blatant sexism I came across while looking at merchandise marketed towards my kids from the show Paw Patrol. I sent my essay along to the fine folks at Spin Master toys who manufacture Paw Patrol toys and they responded. I will share the conversation here.

And I was all like, "NOPE."

Please fill in the words I forgot, and consider I have two three- year-olds yelling at me most of the time. But even with my poorly worded email, I got a speedy response, this time from a manager. Guys, this goes all the way to the top! Well, to Global Customer Care anyway.

This feels like some small victory, and I will be checking up on this issue because it turns out calling out sexism in kids toys and tv shows is like, a thing for me.

Thank you again to The Establishment for publishing my essay and Let Toys Be Toys  for your twitter love.

Melissa and Doug UPDATE

Hey pals,

Remember when I posted my email that went unanswered from Melissa and Doug? You probably do because it was two hours ago.

I tweeted it as well and this happened:

I sent them my number and they called me within the hour. Diane, the Chief Creative Director of Marketing sincerely apologized that they never responded to my email. She went on to say that they take issues of gender equality in the toys they develop VERY SERIOUSLY. And, drumroll please-just this morning she was looking over the artwork for the re-design of the very product I was complaining about. She said my timing was "pretty uncanny."

In my fantasy where I am a Feminist Superhero- I just got them to design a new doll.

Either way, I'm super impressed with Melissa and Doug right now. Also feeling pretty good about myself, maybe I need to take on the NRA next?

Hey Melissa and Doug, did you miss my email?

Awhile back I sent an email to the Melissa and Doug toy company regarding their Magnetic Dress Up Dolls. There are a plethora of choices to be had- there are Princesses, Fairies, and lots of girls that just like to try on clothes all day because that's super fun! Then there is also Joey. Joey gets to dress up as a firefighter, a police officer, a construction worker, a knight and a pirate- many of these get ups are actual paid professions. Would you care to guess if a female equivalent exists? Nope! At least not one that I could find scouring my local toy store, google and their website. I don't know your thoughts on this topic, but I think it's pretty FUCKED. They did not respond to my email, so I figured I'd post it right here on my blog, on Facebook, and on Twitter too. Maybe they won't miss it this time! I was really nice in the email, kept my feminist rage in check, like a good girl should. 

Hello,

I have 3- year- old twins. I bought your magnetic dress up figures Joey and Julia. I bought Julia as she was the least princess-ey one I could find (I'm not anti-princess, but also don't want to shove it down my daughters throat and I liked that it was sports themed)...

Here is the convo today as I played with the dolls with my kids:

Sophie- No mommy, she can't wear the police outfit, that's for boys.

Me: Girls can be police officers too.

Sophie- No, only boys can.

And so on with all the outfits. Granted she's three and pretty inflexible about A MILLION OTHER THINGS.

But I'm bummed that your boy dress up doll gets to dress up in actual professions while all the girls I looked up on your site are either princesses, fairies, or just trying on different cute outfits. 

Is there a doll in your collection that I don't know about that more closely resembles Joey?

I see you guys as a pretty forward thinking, progressive company, but it feels like this is another case where the lesson is, the boys have the fun/adventure/danger (pirate! superhero! and actual jobs- police, firefighter) while girls try on clothes and get saved by the boys.

Maybe you could consider a dress up doll who can be a superhero and a doctor and a zoo keeper and etc, etc....

I think my daughter would love it.

Thanks for your time,

Kristine Kimmel

Something I wrote for Dame Magazine

Check out this piece I wrote for Dame Magazine, TV Spin-Off's That Need to Happen.

Also check this out. See, even TV Guide can't tell Dermot Mulroney and Dylan McDermott apart.

Things I Love Thursday

I don't have much time to post because Sophie is going to wake up any minute and Benjamin is currently snacking on goldfish crackers and rocking out to George Harrison on Pandora- he has good taste for a one year- old. But, this idyll could end any second, so I will do a quick post of things I am loving right now. This list is in no particular order.

1. Heirloom Tomato Salad with Bocconcini and Basil

Since it's 90 degrees in Los Angeles today this is what I'll be making tonight for dinner, and possibly every night until it cools down. This recipe is pretty close to how I make it, I basically just toss everything into a big bowl and add ingredients to taste. I also like to add some avocado and arugula if I have it. Great with french bread and Oyster Bay Sauvignon Blanc which I think you can get for around $10 or $12 just about anywhere.

2. Hit & Miss

Do you know about Hit & Miss? It's this insanely good British television show starring Chloë Sevingy as a pre-op transgendered assassin and that's not even the most interesting part of the show. It's streaming on Netflix and you should definitely watch it once you rip through all those Orange is the New Black episodes. Bonus: you get to see Chloë Sevigny with a penis!

3. Annie's Macaroni and Cheese

Macaroni and cheese is pretty pathetic for a "Things I Love," list, but with one year- old twins, I'm passionate about carving out five minute windows in my day to sit the fuck down. When they first started eating finger foods, I was all about making everything from scratch, but after a few times of the kids throwing the lovingly prepared, organic, locally grown, sauteed zucchini on the floor I thought, "Okay, you little shits, I see how this is going to be." I don't call them little shits to their faces (generally). Plus, the list of ingredients doesn't make me feel like a crappy mom. 

4. Orange is the New Black- the Book

After my husband and I burned through the Netflix series, I wanted more! So, I started reading the memoir by Piper Kerman in which the series is based. Don't expect Chapman's voice; Piper Kerman is less neurotic, less shallow and less awful, which you'd also think would make her interesting, but it doesn't. 

5. Valerie June- Since I don't get to the Hotel Cafe  as much (never) as I used to, I have to count on KCRW and NPR to inform me on new music finds. 

What's Up With All the Sklyer White Hate?

Anna Gunn, the very talented actress who plays Skyler White on Breaking Bad wrote this fascinating piece in the the New York times theorizing why fans responded with so much hate towards the character and even to her. It's really thought provoking and smart which leads me to believe a man  helped her write it.

I admit, I did go through a period with Skyler during season two where I was like, "Ugh, c'mon Skyler, stop being such a buzzkill and just let Walter sell this dangerous and deadly drug that destroys lives." But I never hated her, in fact, I remember a moment when a very pregnant Skyler snuck into her car for a cigarette and I thought, "Ooh, now this is a complicated woman with secrets of her own." I've kinda loved her ever since.

Finland here I come...

A child in Finland being happy as usual. (Kasper/Pempel Reuters) from here.

While trolling on mama congo, a great blog written by two women raising their families in Congo, I stumbled across this fascinating Atlantic piece on why we should all move to Finland.

I want to go there simply for the baby box alone!

I suspect the winters are a bit more brutal than the ones I endure here in LA, so looks like we'll keep paying $1,500 a month for health insurance and not buying a house anytime in the immediate future.

Some other fascinating stories I'm reposting from mama Congo's Friday July 15th post:

Cedar Sinai has something new called "Rock and Roll Birth Program," at first I was like, "Oh no, is this some weird new craze where aging rock stars are becoming certified midwives because I am not into Bret Michaels seeing my vagina.  My fourteen year- old self can't believe I just typed those words.

No, it's actually this really cool new plan that's goal is to get women up and moving around during their labor, or at least changing their positions every twenty minutes or so. I love that Cedar's is adopting a more active role for the mother in the birthing process.

When I was pregnant with S and B, I was very worried that during my labor I would be stuck in the bed, being forced to lie on my back the entire time. I needn't have worried; I never had the urge to get out of bed once. Some women want to roam the halls while they are moving through their labors. Not me, I preferred the "lay in bed and moan like a wounded animal," tactic of pain management. In my defense, I did move every few minutes. I would go from lying back and panting, to lifting up slightly to grab the rails of the bed, death- grip style. Until I got an epidural at around eight centimeters, then I was as cool as a cucumber.

My Bradley Method teacher would be so disappointed.

My essay published in xoJane

If you are interested in the deep sadness that can occur after giving birth, and why wouldn't you be? Head on over to xoJane for-"It Took Me Forever to Have a Baby--Then I Had Post-Partum Depression." It should be noted, I titled it "New Mom Blues," but I guess they thought more words were catchier. I was very happy that xoJane published the piece because the more lady eyeballs that are exposed to the shit storm that can be the post- partum period the better.

One of the things I wanted to talk about were some of the comments my story generated. I was really happy that some of the xoJane readers connected to it, but on the flip side, quite a few women commented, "this is exactly why I'm never having kids." Here's a sampling.





Hold on a second, I'm NOT going to change my mind? Guess what Hush, I did. Just like you, I never ever wanted kids. Friends would smile knowingly and say, "You'll change your mind, you'll see." I was so sure that if I'd had decent insurance coverage at the age of thirty-three I might have also had my tubes tied. Good thing I was mostly unemployed then because at thirty-five I totally changed my mind. I'm not saying these women getting "fixed," in their early thirties will change their minds like I did, but what a pain in the tubes for them, if they do.

Of course, women should definitely not have kids if they don't want them or feel mentally fit to care for them, but to say you'll never change your mind? That's for one thing just plain silly and for another, awesome as it reminds me what a dum dum I was.

But even more importantly, I think I did a huge disservice to the readers because I left them with the impression that having my babies was somehow a mistake. The fact is, I would gladly go through those six months of hell again for how vastly they've improved my life. People talk about their kids as being "the best things that ever happened to them," and before having kids I'd nod my head and secretly think, "Why are you boring me right now?" But since Benjamin and Sophie I've never felt happier. I love my husband more deeply, I feel closer to my family, I am kinder to strangers and the best part- I get to stay home every night and watch all the TV I want. No kidding, I get to watch all the shows.

It's pretty great.

Seriously You Guys....

Today, my brilliant pal Rob Delaney posted this moving piece on the importance of protecting the Affordable Care Act. As the mother of the twin preemies he mentions, I can attest that had we not had insurance coverage, we would've been hit with medical bills totaling nearly a million dollars. I'm not exaggerating, my husband and I added it up and it's literally ONE MILLION DOLLARS. Imagine how many houses we could buy with that money. At least one in LA! 

We are fortunate to have fairly decent (and wildly expensive) insurance, but a few years ago, I wasn't so lucky. In 2005, I suffered a debilitating seizure that left me unable to work for over a year. My shoddy but cheap HMO plan often didn't cover the many various doctors I needed to see or the necessary treatments. Other times, I was made to wait weeks, while in horrible pain, waiting for authorizations. Unable to work, I lost my apartment and I found myself trying to heal while living on a friend’s couch- depressed, scared and riddled with debt. As the bills piled up, I had no other option but to declare bankruptcy. In case you missed that, I had insurance and I still had to declare bankruptcy.

Things did get better. I got better. I will always deal with my "pre-existing condition," but I have a great support system including a shiny new husband that I'm super into and our two previously mentioned former preemies who stole my sleep but rip my heart to shreds on a daily basis.

Remember when you vote next week how vitally important it is that we protect the principals of the Affordable Care Act- keeping costs lowered, guaranteeing choice and making sure ALL Americans have access to quality care- not just rich white dudes.

*That's me in my best vest back in 2009 speaking to City Hall in support of the Affordable Care Act. Man I wish I knew what happened to that vest.

NICE TITS

I was strolling down Robertson the other day, high from the purchase of some overpriced t-shirts, when a fascinating thing occurred. As I passed a lil’ ol’ black man, he remarked loudly in my direction- “Nice tits.”  His tone was not, “Hey, thanks for bringing your boobs out on this sunny Sunday afternoon, allow me to acknowledge their loveliness with a well-timed compliment.” No - when he said, “Nice tits,” my first thought was, “Why is he mad at me?” He didn’t say the words so much as he growled them. I can only assume that he actually hates nice tits. Maybe a nice tit was mean to him when he was a child, or maybe a nice tit broke his heart in college. It’s not for me to say.

As shocking as his overt anger at my rack was, I was less surprised by his tone than the actual sentiment. Being an A Cup for most of my life, I’ve never had to deal with unwarranted (or even totally warranted) breast attention. I can count on zero fingers the amount of times I’ve had to say, “My eyes are up here.” If a man ever had a hard time maintaining eye contact with me, I was either talking about my feelings or a large-breasted woman was walking by.

But since giving birth eight weeks ago, I suddenly have boobs.* And not just any old boobs- big, juicy, D-Cup boobs. I haven’t taken them out on the town much, since nursing newborn twins means my boobs and I rarely see the light of day. On the off-chance I do leave the house, I’m generally wearing a combination of pajamas and old ratty t-shirts in a look that can only be described as “boner killing chic.” Just ask my husband.

So this particular stroll down Robertson was something special- a rare couple of hours out of the house with clean hair and eyeliner. I wasn’t crying, leaking breast milk or unintentionally peeing. You can imagine, then, how it felt to have this curmudgeonly old man growl, “Nice tits” at me.

It felt fucking great.

*the boobs pictured are not mine.

How to Be a Terrible Wife

Endless articles exist on how to move through reproductive challenges gracefully, but what about if you prefer the path of most resistance? Here are some of my own helpful tips.

1. Put a urine spattered ovulation test stick in your husband’s hand, point to the bedroom and say, “It better fucking work this time.”

2. Buy a fertility book called “Making Babies,” then read it to your husband every night in bed wearing sensible cotton underwear.

3. When your husband makes his third coffee stop of the day give him the most judgey face you can muster and snap- “Fine, then you can pay for the IVF!”

4. Cry when you see a pregnant woman, cry when you see a baby, cry when you see your reflection in the mirror, cry when you see anything with your eyes.

5. Go on an extreme “PH fertility diet,” that restricts you from eating all of the foods you love, but make sure you do it at the same time you go off your anti-depressants.

What to Expect When You’re NOT Expecting

If you are trying to conceive and it’s just not happening as fast as you expected, as in RIGHT NOW DAMMIT! I’ve put together this helpful list of Do’s and Don’ts. It won’t get you pregnant, but it may help you out along the way.

DON’T Commit a Senseless Act of Violence

If you see a pregnant woman strolling around the Farmer’s Market on a Sunday morning* with her well behaved toddler on one arm and her ruggedly handsome husband on the other- do not throw hot coffee in her face. No matter how much you want to. You will be arrested.

*You will see a pregnant woman at the Farmer’s Market. 100% of the women that attend Farmer’s Markets are pregnant. Even the 60 year- old lady that sells rhubarb jam has a baby bump.

DO Use Your Vivid Imagination

When you come face to face with the blinding glow that is the pregnant woman, don’t let it get you down. Instead use this as an opportunity for introspection. In my moments of introspection, said pregnant woman is afflicted with chronic halitosis, a very unfortunate looking vagina or a husband with a penchant for hairless Asian men. This always makes things seem a little brighter.

DON’T Bring Up Cervical Mucus in Casual Conversation

Unless you are talking to your OB/GYN, your fertility specialist or your friend that’s a nurse, no human being- including and especially your husband wants to hear the words “cervical mucus,” escape your lips. I don’t care how awesome your cervical mucus is.

DO Scream at Your Zucchini

Unlike pregnant women at the Farmer’s Market, the zucchini in your garden don’t have feelings. So feel free to unleash all your rage and frustration at these blatantly fertile vegetables. It’s about time someone took down those obnoxiously fruit bearing plants.

If you don’t have a garden, your local grocery store’s produce department will do.

DON’T Blame Yourself

Maybe you experimented with recreational drugs in your early 20’s, wasted your most fertile years in dead end relationships, or chain smoked your way through college. Perhaps you did none of this or, like me, all of this and more.

There’s no point dwelling in the past and ruminating over former bad choices. Why not take all those feelings of negativity and self blame and place them directly where they belong- on your parents. It’s fine, they’re used to it.

DO Relax About People Telling You To “Relax”

I don’t care if this person is your best friend, your OB/GYN or you grandmother when they utter the phrase “You know, you just need to relax about this,” it may invoke a feeling very opposite of relaxation and more closely aligned with committing an act of physical violence.

As much as you may want to punch your BFF, she’s really just trying to help. Instead, seek out and confide in that one friend who gets you, who gets this (maybe because she’s been through it too) and who can make a kick ass Margarita.

Won't You Follow Me on Twitter?

All my tweets are personal AND disgusting.

Check it out!

@KristineAKimmel

Last Dish Effort

Sadly, the Dish has been canceled. I think it had something to do with zero advertising and no one having the cable channel it aired on. But it's hard to say. Here are some of my last jokes that didn't make it to air, but hold a special place in my heart.


Lady Gaga admits that she writes most of her songs while high on weed. So that’s why so many of her songs are about Ranch Doritos.

Dancing with the Stars pro Maksim Chermokovsky revealed he’s very gentle with his partner Kirstie Alley. It’s true; he hasn’t dropped her one time. He also hasn’t lifted her one time.

Stevie Nicks lashed out when asked about rumors that Lindsay Lohan wants to portray the singer on film and said, “she needs to stop doing drugs and get a grip.” Stevie then sprinkled gold dust into the air and flew away bareback on a purple unicorn.

US Weekly reports that Justin Timberlake cheated on Jessica Biel with actress Olivia Munn after they met at a Myspace event. I find that hard to believe-- Myspace is still a company?

Charlie Sheen admitted to Life and Style Magazine that, "I’m Losing My Mind.” Oh wait, Charlie just found his mind; it was misplaced under a big pile of cocaine. It’s always the last place you look!

The Discovery Channel announced that there will be no season two for Sarah Palin’s Alaska. Great now what am I supposed to watch with my friend that’s a moron?

Dancing With the Stars Maksim Chmerkovskiy is set to star on the Ukranian version of The Bachelor. I can’t wait to hear Maksim say, “Will you accept this healthy egg producing chicken?”

Lady Gaga’s new perfume has a name- MONSTER! It’s a fine blend of patchouli, jasmine and that glitter that gets stuck in your butt crack.

Victoria Beckam reveals that inside of her there is a gay man trying to get out. I always suspected, I mean David’s hair is ALWAYS perfect.

I can’t wait for Paris Hilton and Charlie Sheen ex- Brooke Mueller’s new reality show. It’s going to be just like Cagney and Lacey except instead of solving a new crime every week, they commit one.

First-time parents Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon had a surprisingly low-key baby shower in Beverly Hills this week. It’s true; I was there and can verify that the unicorns were dressed in classy yet understated tuxedos.

Julianne Hough reveals that Ryan Secret is a really romantic guy who fills her car with flowers. Poor Julianne, she has no idea this is all for his new E! reality show, “Filling Cars With Flowers with Ryan Secrest.”

There will be no season two for Sarah Palin’s Alaska. Great now what am I supposed to watch with that friend I have that’s a moron?

Yahoo's "Trending Now."

Okay, on yahoo's homepage, they have a section in the upper right hand corner called Trending Now, which I have copy pasted into my blog for obvious reasons.

TRENDING NOW

1. Spaghetti Tacos
2. Christina Ricci
3. Robert Downey Jr.
4. Cadillac SRX
5. Toni Braxton
6. Sylvia Plath
7. Lily Allen
8. Consumer Credit
9. Arizona Tornado
10. Back-to-School S…



I am just glad that Sylvia Plath will never find out that she is less relevant than spaghetti tacos.

Silly Words Strung Together aka Jokes Not on the Show

Yes this is James Franco on the cover of Candy magazine, the first ever fashion mag to celebrate transvestism, transexuality, cross dressing and androgyny. Go ahead and keep trying to make me not wanna make out with you Franco, I will not break!

It’s confirmed, The Real Housewives of Miami is the next series in the popular franchise. Hey Bravo, are you ever going to give us a Real Housewives of Folsom Prison? Or are you just going to ignore my letters? Because I WILL keep sending them…I have so many stamps.

Returning Bachelor Brad Womack covers this week’s People and reveals that taking another crack of love on the Bachelor feels like a risky venture. But it’s amazing how many risks you are willing to take after a few months as an assistant manager of Artie’s Mattress Warehouse.

Raising Sextuplets dad Bryan Masche was arrested for resisting arrest, disorderly conduct and threatening domestic violence.
He only did it because he heard in prison you get to sleep all the time and make the sweet sweet kind of love that doesn’t make babies.

Jennifer McCarthy revealed to her pal Oprah that the reason her relationship ended with Jim Carrey was that it stopped being fun. You know how it is, when the motorboating ends, so does the fun.

There are rumors that Snooki was hospitalized for alcohol poisoning. As much as it turns on the gentleman, that girl has got to stop guzzling her own body weight in tequila!

Bling Ring member and Pretty Wild Star Alexis Neiers is writing a book. Ooh, I bet she’s writing a book about trickle down economics, which as I understand happens when a teenaged hooligan breaks into celebrities homes and then get her own reality show. There is also a possibility that I don’t know what trickle down economics are.

The Octomom’s sold her old bras and bikinis at a yard sale and offered to take photos with people for $10. And for $20, she’ll take a photo with you AND carry your baby to term.

Katy Perry is set to appear on a special Christmas episode of The Simpsons. She is going to play the Ghost of Christmas Boobs

Lady Gaga wore this ass- less sparkly jumpsuit at an LA tribute concert for John Lennon. Oh yeah, remember that song, “All we are saying is give ASS a chance.”




Katy Perry Celebrated her Bachelorette Party in Vegas with Rihanna.
Russell Brand showed up wasted, got naked and demanded everyone eat cake off his penis, oh, not because it was Katy’s party, because it was Tuesday.

Jersey Shores JWoww has accepted a $400,000 offer from Playboy to take it all off. Update, Playboy called back and offered her $500,000 to keep some of it on.

David Hasselhoff is humiliated that he was the first dancer voted off Dancing With the Stars. Oh, no…I smell a shame spiral coming and it smells a lot like vodka and cheeseburgers

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton came under fire for the hair clip she wore to a UN meeting this week. I wish she would spend less time knowing stuff and more time focusing on her appearance, I mean c’mon, it works for Sarah Palin.