Stop Telling Me to Swim With Dolphins

I have friends with “careers,” who go on “vacations,” therefore I am regularly assaulted with this command;

“You must swim with the dolphins Kris- it’s magical. When I held onto that dorsal fin I felt so close to God. Plus the resort had the best margaritas.”

I’m not going to swim with dolphins. I have social anxiety. I can get anxious in a group as small as three. I have trio anxiety. You can google that, but you won’t find it, I just made it up.

I rarely go to parties and when I do, I have a set list of questions I ask before I agree to attend:

Do you mind if we drive separately?
Are there multiple exits?
Is it in the valley?

I have never mastered the art of small talk. I say all the wrong things at all the wrong times, like bringing up the conflict in the Congo a little too soon after the flash of an engagement ring. Apparently there’s never a good time in light conversation to bring up genocide. Oh well, live and learn!

Dolphins are just another group of highly intelligent mammals that I have to impress. And I have to wear a bikini?

No thanks.

I would perhaps consider it, if the situation were super casual. Like if it took place in some type of naturally formed lagoon. Obviously cocktails and quesadillas are being served continuously. Then I can wade in the pleasant blue lagoon with cocktail in hand, a dolphin can leisurely swim by me, if the two of us seem to groove, some serious dolphin nuzzling can ensue. I don’t want to feel guilty about forcing dolphins into some type of performance situation.


One caveat, this open lagoon should have some sort of force field that only allows dolphins through. I am not interested in swimming with sharks. I don’t think any number of banana daiquiris will alter my judgment on that. Only dolphins can get through the force field. And white baby seals. Who doesn’t want to swim with white baby seals? They’re adorable!

I know my dolphin fantasy is controlling, but it’s nothing compared to the hellish rules and regulations one is forced to endure during an actual dolphin tour. Let me make it clear that I haven’t actually been on a guided tour with dolphins but I have been to Hearst Castle and I’m 100% certain it’s exactly the same.

Jan, my tour guide through Hearst Castle was less concerned about imparting the fascinating details of Mr. Hearst’s mansion than constantly reminding us, the obviously mentally impaired tourists to keep our “feet on the designated mats,” and “turn off those camera flashes.”

Of course my immediate reaction to her demands were to step off the designated mats and use a flash continuously. But I didn’t. Because I quickly became distracted by despising every one else on the tour.

You know how it is, there’s always that guy that’s gotta let everyone know HE knows just a little bit more about Hearst Castle than Jan. Hey buddy, we all saw Citizen Kane. Zip it!

Or there’s the lady who has to ask fifteen questions in every single room of the mansion. For some reason she just has to know even more details about
the extremely complex system for authenticating the 14th century roman tapestries hanging in the dining hall. Really? You can’t google that later? I have a life I’d like to get back to at some point. I could be back in my hotel room drinking wine and watching Rachel Maddow.

And then there’s always the one hanging in the back, ya know, too cool to be on a guided tour. Rolling their eyes at all the questions, smirking at the fanny packs. Hanging back just enough to let everyone that they aren’t a part of this gang.

That would be me by the way.


I don’t set out to be the Fonzie of the guided tour, but if someone has to play that role I suppose it may as well be me. Plus, I am usually the only one on a gorgeous day in San Simeon in a leather jacket and a white hot fury over the behavior of probably perfectly nice people.

Can you imagine that much rage inside of me cavorting with giant toothed mammals of the sea?

I would be that person that gets eaten alive by the normally docile dolphin. The dolphin guide will be interviewed by the local news and you know what she’ll say- “I never believed something like this would happen. They are such loving, gentle and sweet creatures. I can only imagine she must of done something to provoke him. Ya know, if I can be perfectly honest, she didn’t really fit well with the group.”